The Ghost house and the Ferris wheel
by Hannaberglunda
Summary: "The couple that had just made love on the expensive scarlet sheets lay in shameful silence. Blissfully unaware of the two soaking wet people standing speechless in the doorway." Suddenly Meredith and Derek must face the hard truth that they both have been cheated on. Together they decide so start fresh. Maybe in a new city? AU MerDer.
1. Cry me a river

**The Ghost house and the Ferris wheel**

A/N: Okay, this is my first published fanfiction, so please don't kill me. I am no doctor and have no clue of what I'm talking about during the medical mumbo jumbo. I also have never been to either New York or Seattle, so I'm going to be making stuff up as I go along. I'm sure this has been done before, most storylines probably have. Still, this felt a bit different from all of the unexpected baby- and Meredith's suicide-stories I've read recently. I don't particularly like angst, but it probably will be a lil' bit on the angsty side in the beginning… It gets better though.

I wasn't sure if I was going to even publish it (since I am a little chicken) but please let me know if you want more or if I should just give up on this thing altogether.

Meredith and Mark got married four years previous to this story and Addison and Derek were married eight years ago. They all work at Mount Sinai in New York and are super-successful and happy. All of them are close friends and do the couple dates and the summer vacations thing together. It's all very fluffy and great. Everything is changed though, when Meredith and Derek comes home from their late shifts only to find both of their spouses in bed together. Realizing they are in the same boat, Meredith and Derek together decides to start fresh in a new city and become closer than ever before.

Disclaimer: I own nothing relating to Grey's Anatomy.

**Chapter 1 – Cry me a river**

_Now you say you're sorry  
For being so untrue  
Well, you can cry me a river, cry me a river  
I cried, a river over you_

_(Cry me a river – Ella Fitzgerald)_

* * *

The storm was only getting worse.

"Oh God! Mark!" The woman screamed out in ecstasy.

"Addison!" The man roared in response.

A roar of thunder resonated outside.

The sound of rain smattering on the roof and howling wind tearing at the tree branches outside the window seemed mute. It was hardly registered by anyone in the room.

Heavy panting sounded from the bed facing the window. The couple that had just made love on the expensive scarlet sheets lay in shameful silence. Blissfully unaware of the two soaking wet people standing speechless in the doorway. Water dripped unrelentingly from their sopping clothes. The carpet beneath their feet was slowly turning darker and the man in the doorway closed his open mouth before swallowing soundly. His hands turned into fists as he slowly closed his eyes in agony. The woman beside him fared no better. Her teeth were shattering and she gripped her maroon-colored skirt tightly before letting out a strangled sob. The sound echoed in the room and started an immediate reaction from the bed.

Derek Shepherd, world-renowned neurosurgeon and husband to the woman in the bed, had not expected this scene when he entered his brownstone in New York that night. Him and his good friend Meredith Grey-Sloan, world-renowned general surgeon and wife to the man in the bed, had been working late at the hospital and had decided on a nightcap with his wife before he drove Meredith home to her waiting husband a couple of blocks down. It had been an ordinary night. A lot of trauma from the storm was the reason for the longer stay, but they were both in good spirits when they ran up from the car to the front door in the downpour. Initially, the sight of Mark's jacket on the floor had surprised Meredith. She had been told her husband would not be home from his plastic surgery medical conference before tomorrow. They both discarded the thought quickly though, thinking that Mark spent half of his free time in Derek and Addison's house anyway.

"Derek!" Addison's wail broke the silence and Mark was quick to hide his naked body behind a sheet before giving Meredith a pleading look. She felt Derek's hand on her shoulder and she silently followed him down the stairs, tears falling silently down her cheeks. Not many seconds passed before the thundering of footsteps came tumbling after them. Meredith and Derek had just reached the first floor when her arm was grabbed roughly by a sheet-clad Mark.

"Please, Mer… Let me explain." His voice was calming but she could see the panic flittering in his eyes as he tried to placate her stony stare. This was unbelievable. Entirely fucking incredible. The fantastic four as they were called, Mark the plastic surgeon, Addison the neonatal surgeon, Derek the neurosurgeon and Meredith the general surgeon, had just been sawed apart with a two single orgasms. It would have been funny were it not so goddamn devastating. Meredith looked from her husband to her best friend and felt it like she didn't even know them anymore. Derek still had a hand on her shoulder and it gave her a little comfort. She was not alone… And yet she was totally and utterly alone.

The silence was deafening and she heard Derek's agitated panting beside her. He was looking at his wife with such contempt, that Meredith felt his anger even though she was just an innocent bystander of it. Meredith thought fast. She was dark and twisty. She had a horrible past. This was just another chapter of the horror story that was her life. Her eyes flickered as she thought.

_We have to get out of here._ Came her voice from inside her head.

Right.

_Derek needs you. _It spoke again.

Oh yes. Poor Derek. His life had been a fairytale so far. He had grown up in a happy family, had the perfect grades, married the perfect woman, got the perfect job and now loved in a perfect home with dinner parties and wine. In the amusement park she was the ghost house… But Derek was the Ferris wheel. He had never felt this kind of despair before. She had to take action. Had to be the strong one.

With as much strength as she could muster she took control of the situation.

"Addison." Her voice was croaky. She cleared her throat and tried again.

"Addison. Derek and I are going to leave now. He will come get his things tomorrow, so will you please be so kind as to stay away during this time?" She didn't wait for a response.

"Mark. Derek and I will be sleeping at our house. We'll be gone by tomorrow afternoon. Please be so kind as to find somewhere else to sleep tonight." She quickly grabbed Derek's elbow and led him towards the front door without even meeting Mark or Addies's eyes.

"Wait! Mer... Don't do this!" Mark's voice was pleading. He was beginning to realize the deep trouble he was in. "I love you! Please let me explain." Addie's wailing cries were heard from the staircase where she lay in a heap staring at her motionless husband with tears running down her cheeks. The black mascara streaks made her face look unrecognizable.

"There's nothing to explain, Mark." Meredith's voice was made of stone. "You made- well… screwed in your bed, I think is the better word. Now lay in it." Her words were final.

She opened the door wide, which made the pounding rain splatter all over the hallway floor tiles. She ignored Addison's desperate cries after Derek and pulled him with her out the door.

"But where am I gonna sleep? Here?!" Mark's voice rang hoarse and echoed in the too white and modern room. Meredith sighed. This was her husband in a nutshell. What he would do without her she had no clue. Probably move in with Derek's mom, since his own was so very shitty. She glared at him one last time before grabbing Derek's keys and her purse from the bureau.

"Goddamn it! Go sleep in a sewer for all I care. I don't give a rat's ass, Mark!" Her yell was followed with silence and then a loud bang as she slammed the front door shut and left the building.


	2. Bad dream

**Chapter 2 – Bad dream**

**A/N: **Thank you so much for all of the reviews and stuff on my previous chapter! I will continue this story for now, so keep the love coming. It really gives me the push I need! J Also, this chapter is angsty… But keep the faith, and it will all turn lighter in the future.

_Where will I meet my fate?_

_Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate_

_And when will I meet my end?_

_In a better time you could be my friend_

_I wake up, it's a bad dream_

_No one on my side_

_I was fighting_

_But I just feel too tired_

_To be fighting_

_Guess I'm not the fighting kind_

_(Bad Dream - Keane)_

* * *

The bar was thin on people that night. The storm probably had them all in their homes, lighting candles and playing board games. Sensible, Meredith thought. Especially because that made the mission of drowning her sorrows in silence that much more attainable. She sighed and threw a look at her companion. He hadn't said a word since it happened, and now it seemed he was well on his way to falling asleep after a few too many glasses of scotch.

Meredith sighed again and downed one last shot of tequila before pulling him up from his chair. If they were gonna make it home before sunrise they would have to leave now. Thankfully, the brownstone Meredith and Mark shared was right across the street. Using a surprising amount of strength for such a small person she managed to support Derek all the way out of the bar and into her house without much trouble. Because the bedroom was situated on the second floor, Meredith decided her best course of action would be to put Derek on the couch in the living room.

She threw off her soaked coat, kicked off her shoes and helped him make his way towards the comfy loveseat. There she proceeded to take off his expensive leather shoes, his already loosened tie, the suit jacket and thereafter tucked him in with a warm blanket. When she was done she realized he was already fast asleep and took this moment to regard him where he lay so peacefully.

He looked almost like a little boy. His face was relaxed in slumber; the wrinkles that were starting to form on his forehead (being well on his way to 40 years old) were smoothened out in relaxation. The slightly crooked nose twitched slightly and he seemed almost content. Right now all troubles were far away. His perfectly moussed raven curls were in slight disarray from the amount of times he had ran his hand through them tonight.

Meredith sighed. She and Derek had never been close. Of course, they were friends with each other. Colleagues. They worked closely together and spent summers, holidays and birthdays in each other's immediate vicinity. But mostly it was he and Addison, or he and Mark. Meredith and Addison had always been best friends since med school and him and Mark went even longer back. They had grown up together. Meredith and Derek had simply fallen somewhere between categories when it came to friendships. Sure, they had had conversations and occasional banter-sessions. Mostly revolving work or medicine in general.

She knew everything she needed to know about him through Mark, and she suspected he had the same source of information regarding her. They were comfortable around each other. She could admit that he was a good-looking man with a kind heart (if a bit cocky and arrogant at times), and he found her charming and beautiful in a way that a husband is supposed to feel about his wife's best friend. They had just never made that deeper connection to each other.

Well, Meredith thought. This fact would undoubtedly change as well as everything else in their lives right now. They were stuck in the same boat and would have to "row together" to find peace again. Of all this, Derek had no clue in his deep drunken sleep.

Meredith closed her eyes and wept in silence as she thought of their predicament. Tomorrow it would all hit him again; all the hurt, the feelings of betrayal. He had been married to Addison for 8 years, double the amount of time from her and Mark.

She felt like throwing things around. How could they do this? Mark! He had been married to her for 4 years! Sure, they had been a bit rocky lately… what with them working so much and Mark's tendency to act like a lost puppy around her. But that was _no _excuse!

How long had this been going on? When her and Mark celebrated their anniversary and he had bought her that beautiful necklace, had he been secretly sleeping with Addison? While she and Derek went to visit Seattle Grace Hospital for that cancer-patient with rare tumors all over his body, had their spouses been sharing the same bed?

Addison, her best friend who had rejoiced with her when she told her she was pregnant. Who had sat with her thinking of baby names and informing her about prenatal vitamins and lotions against stretch marks…

When Meredith in the end had told Mark about the miscarriage… All the while…

She choked a sudden sob. No, she couldn't go there. She would fall apart again, and she couldn't do that. It wouldn't make a difference. Not now. Not Ever.

Meredith closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She smiled a sad smile at Derek's sleeping form and made her way up the stairs towards the room she and Mark used to share. She immediately felt disgusted when she spied the neatly made bed.

Had they been here too? On their sheets? Meredith gave out a silent scream, which sounded a bit like a wounded animal, as she with all her force ripped the dozens of pillows, blankets, bedcovers and sheets that clotted the huge bed onto the blank wooden floor. She fell limply on the empty bed in exhaustion and closed her eyes tightly as she wept and grieved for her lost marriage.

When Meredith opened her eyes the next time it was only a couple of shades lighter in the room. She felt a presence in the doorway and gasped at first, thinking it might be Mark. When she saw Derek's muscular form lay down beside her she relaxed again. His body was turned towards her and his eyes were wide open. They seemed so full of questions, of sadness. Questions she couldn't answer and sadness she couldn't stifle. Her eyes probably had the exact same expression in them, because she could feel him trying to tell her without words that it would be okay. He reached for her hand and they held on to each other for their dear lives.

_"__We'll survive this, Meredith," _his eyes were saying.

Meredith swallowed.

_"__I hope so, Derek,"_ hers told him back.

* * *

"So where do you wanna go?" Meredith's overly cheerful voice was barely heard among the other hundreds of people that were currently making their way past them, chatting about anything and everything.

She and Derek were standing at the airport staring thoughtfully at the board containing a list of departures and arrivals. After packing their necessities into two large suitcases earlier that day they had both decided it was time for something new. A very long vacation or something, just to take their mind off of things.

The grabbing of stuff had been surprisingly easy and both Addie and Mark had done exactly like they had been told the night before. After that Meredith and Derek had made their way to the hospital, speaking a couple of words with the chief of surgery, Dr. Brian Kelley. The man was not at all pleased when he heard their plans of leaving the city, and made it very clear that if either Meredith or Derek did not show up on their next upcoming shift, there would be no work for them to come back to after their vacation.

So, the young man and woman decided that a entirely clean cut was not a bad idea, since returning to the hospital would unavoidably put them in the direct contact of their unfaithful spouses. Plus, the chief's words were usually empty threats and neither of the surgeons were scared of unemployment at this stage in their careers.

"I've got some contacts in Boston… And that's where you grew up, right?" Derek's voice was hoarse and he had dark circles under his eyes. Meredith couldn't remember a time where he had looked more pitiable than this moment.

"Mm… yeah, no. I'm never going back there again," she responded forcefully with a shudder. Her memories of Boston were not pleasant in the least, since they were mostly spent arguing with her horrible mother (famous surgeon, Ellis Grey) or taking drugs behind a toolshed with her boy toy of the week. Her pink hair and black clothes had not really made her approachable to the good crowd in school. There was a slightly awkward silence after her outburst.

"What about Vegas?" he looked a bit queasy at the thought alone. Meredith made an unhappy sound, grimaced and continued to look at the board.

"Oh I know! How about Seattle? I lived there when I was just a little girl." Her voice actually sounded a bit excited, despite the circumstances.

"Sure. I know the chief of surgery there, Richard Webber. He was my mentor in med school." Derek smiled a bit at the memory. Meredith bit her lip when she heard the name. This Richard Webber had also been her mom's adulterous lover who stayed with his wife even though Ellis herself left her husband for him. Meredith really didn't have many warm feelings for the man, but respected his work nonetheless.

"Yeah, I kind of know him too…" Meredith drifted off.

They were silent for a minute.

"So… Seattle?" Derek woke her up from her ponderings. She turned and smiled towards her friend.

"Seattle," she responded as she took his arm and they made their way towards the check-ins.


	3. Your new twin sized bed

**Chapter 3 – Your new twin sized bed**

**A/N: **Ok, so… I've got some small stuff to say before we start. This chapter will be a tiny bit longer than previous ones. Love it or hate it, that's just the way it is. (Hopefully you'll love it. Let me know if this is something you would like to experience again!) Thank you so very much for your reviews and alerts and stuff! They mean a lot to me and helps me get the courage to continue and hopefully finish this story. I send hugs and kisses to all of you! 3

_You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed._

_With a single pillow underneath your single head._

_I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need._

_Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free._

_(Your new twin sized bed – Radiohead)_

* * *

"You're offering us jobs?" Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey (Now without the Sloan) had arrived to Seattle that Tuesday morning only to remember what an awfully rainy place it was. They quickly checked in to their hotel rooms at the Archfield and realized they had no idea of what to do with all of this free time.

Seeing that their only common contact was the chief of surgery at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, Richard Webber, they decided to make him their first stop. They had not been long in the waiting room before his assistant Patricia ushered them into the large and homey office. After hearty greetings and hugs they were hastily seated by his desk. Meredith and Derek quickly explained their presence in town and why they had left their respective homes, not going into specific details. The chief listened intently and nodded thoughtfully. Then something in his eyes made both of the visitors wary.

Without preamble Richard started talking about business. He explained that he was retiring within the month and was being replaced as chief by the hospital's very talented Owen Hunt. Richard's wife Adele had apparently given her husband an ultimatum where Webber would either quit his job or be without a home and a marriage. The choice was simple.

Unfortunately Richard had been unable to locate a new head of General surgery on such short notice and had long been in need of a new face as the head of Neuro. Meredith and Derek's appearance could not have had better timing according to the chief. To say that the companions were stunned by the offer, especially coming so closely after their arrival, would be an understatement.

"Oh yes. You'd be the perfect candidates for the job. I could not have dreamed about better replacements." Chief Webber smiled at them with an almost giddy expression in his eyes. "With the two you on the staff this hospital would without a doubt raise to at least place two in the ranks for best teaching hospitals in the country."

Meredith and Derek looked at each other with puzzled expressions before looking at the chief again.

_Oh… kay?_

Derek took the reigns.

"Um… Thank you so much for the opportunity, Richard but…"

The chief clapped his hands delightedly. "Brilliant! You start on Monday."

Meredith woke up from her daze. "What? But…"

"No buts, Meredith. As I understand it you have nothing waiting for you in New York. I will complete all of the necessary paperwork and leave the information you need with my assistant. It all should be ready and done for before the end of the week. It was nice to see you both."

Before they knew it Meredith and Derek were ushered again, this time out of the office, and looked at Chief Webber with confusion but also a great deal of mirth in their eyes. They both said goodbye to the happy man and turned to leave when Richard once again stuck his head out of the door.

"Oh, I almost forgot… Meredith, I've had someone taking care of your house for you. Seemed a shame to leave it standing there to rot... The key is still beneath the flowerpot by the door. See you Monday!" With that Richard closed his door, not even registering the look of shock on Meredith's house as he mentioned '_her house_'.

They started walking together towards the elevators. "Well… that didn't turn out the way I expected," Derek's confused voice echoed in the empty corridor. Meredith nodded distractedly.

"What did he mean when he spoke of _your house_?" he continued, looking at her strangely.

"Um… I guess he meant my mom's house…" she trailed off. "That is _so _strange! I had no clue she didn't sell it. I haven't been there in… what? Twenty-five years?"

As they made their way into one of the elevators Meredith's thoughts were miles away and she did not see the sour-looking Asian girl walking straight in her direction. The collision was inevitable. There was nothing that could have been done.

Meredith straightened up and looked apologetically at the woman whom now had half of her coffee cup spilled on her navy blue scrubs and the other half on her usually snow-white tennis shoes. She braced herself for a fierce berating and thought she was going to be proved right when she saw the Asian woman's murderous glare. Then, as a light switch the livid expression turned into one of amazement.

"Meredith Grey?" The woman sounded just as excited as she looked.

Meredith fiddled with her purple dress, a bit uncomfortable. "Y- yes?" she stammered.

"_The _Meredith Grey? You wrote an article on the prevalence of perioperative visual loss last year!" The woman practically bounced on her feet, making the souls of her shoes squeak a bit on the coffee stained floor.

"I did, actually." Meredith was pleasantly surprised. Many people knew of her, mostly because of her famous mother, but few had actually read or acknowledged her work. At least in her presence.

"Your point about the risk factors being higher in cardiac and spinal fusion surgery made more sense than any other I have read on the subject! You are a modern legend!" The woman cleared her throat and reached out her hand.

"Hello, I'm Christina Yang. Head of cardio here…" Her tone turned professional and flat as she firmly shook Meredith's hand.

"Hi there. Well I'm Meredith, as you seem to already know…" She smiled. Derek coughed a bit beside her. "Oh right! And this is Derek Shepherd, former head of Neuro at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. We're starting here on Monday actually, the both of us…" Meredith trailed off as her mind began to reel. Then something clicked in her brain.

"Wait… Christina Yang? Cardio? Oh my god!" Meredith clapped her hands together in delight. "I think I heard your seminar a couple of years ago. The one where you compared general to regional anesthesia during peripheral vascular surgery!" Meredith smiled widely when Dr Yang nodded.

"Dude, that was _awesome._" Meredith and Christina laughed.

"Wait… you're starting _here? _This is brilliant. I'll take you out to drinks tomorrow night… My shift ends at nine o'clock. The bar is just across from the hospital… If you're not otherwise engaged, that is?" Dr Yang said the last part a bit slyly, discreetly glancing at Derek and raising an eyebrow. Meredith snorted.

"Sounds great, see you there," Meredith smiled and walked away, dragging along a smirking Derek in her wake.

"Oh, Dr Yang! Your comparison between different types of anesthesia made my blood pump!" he mimicked her, earning a hard shove in his side as they finally reached the exit.

"You liar. I did not sound like that," Meredith huffed, secretly pleased about Derek's good mood. He had seemed incredibly down lately. Perhaps he was beginning to see a light in the tunnel?

"Oh, you so did. I had _no _idea you were so nerdy!" he teased.

"I am not!"

"Am too!"

* * *

The key fit in the lock as if no time had passed. A slight click was heard as she turned it and the door opened without a squeak. Meredith's eyes were wide. It was like walking into a childhood memory. Only… in her mind it wasn't as dusty. And there were no sheets covering every surface. She shuddered slightly as she stepped into the hallway. There were cobwebs in the corners and the entire atmosphere felt like captured from a horror film. She jumped high in the air when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Oops! Sorry…" Derek apologized. He looked around the room in wonder. "Mer, this place is incredible," he smiled. Meredith stared at him.

"Incredible? Oh yeah. Incredibly scary! Like- a really freakishly scary movie kinda scary." She shuddered again. "Let's just leave before the little boy with dead eyes appears out of the bathroom with his screaming cat." Derek raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"A boy with a screaming-…" Comprehension dawned. Derek laughed. "Mer, have you watched The Grudge recently?" he looked at her as if she was a little girl with nightmares. Meredith laughed nervously. Her heart was beating a little faster when she recollected the traumatizing experience when she and Addie had tried to watch a scary movie together. It had ended in Meredith refusing to leave the premises alone, leading to her spending the night and Mark coming to get her in his car the morning after.

"Y- yeah… so what? It's a scary movie." She snorted indelicately. "Like I was _that _affected or anything. It just… creeped me out a bit. The-… the writing I mean. It was completely rubbish. I mean… A woman being killed by her husband and a kid being drowned in a tub with his creepy cat." She snorted again and started to pace around the living room where a large couch and a coffee table were covered by two large white sheets. "Lame!" She laughed with a tinny voice. "Why would that be scary? I almost cut a man's liver in half this one time. Now _that _was scary..." Meredith continued to ramble. When she turned around though, there was no one there. She swallowed hard and felt her heartbeat racing even faster.

"Derek?" she whimpered. There was no response. She span around to check if he stood behind her but no… he was nowhere in sight.

"Okay, Derek. Come out. It's not even funny," her voice trembled and she felt close to tears.

Then she heard it.

Coming from the top of the stairs was a small sound.

A mouse? No… It sounded almost like…

"Meow!"

Meredith screamed.

Tears started running down her cheeks as she continued to yell from the top of her lungs. She ran for the door but was stopped by a pair of strong arms wrapping around her middle. She started fighting to get free, but the arms wouldn't let go.

"Shhh, Mer! It's just me! It's only me!" Derek's laughing voice broke through her roars of panic. Soon her breaths started to calm and she slowly relaxed in his firm embrace. Meredith quickly dried her eyes and turned around, still trembling. Her eyes flashed. Derek's face was not laughing anymore. He looked absolutely terrified at the expression on her face. She was _not _happy.

"Derek Shepherd…" Her whispering voice sounded like a gunshot in the silent house. He took a step back and released her from his hold. He had forgotten for a second. This was not Addison (insert feelings of pain and suffering here) he was joking with. Addie would be mad at him for a while and then forgive him. Meredith was not the same person. She looked like a woman possessed.

What should he do? Hide?

Pfft. That was pathetic. They were two mature adults… Meredith was harmless! He shook his head a bit.

Then he saw her face again and swallowed. His thoughts started racing rapidly. Then...

_Screw it._

Derek didn't think he had ever run that fast in all his life. Meredith was close on his heels. He ran up the stairs three steps at the time. Meredith's legs were shorter, which gave him an advantage. When he got up he quickly searched the corridor for an appropriate hiding place. This was Mer's territory; he had no clue where to go. Opening the first door he reached he threw himself in and slammed it closed behind him. Meredith's footsteps echoed behind him but he felt safe for now. She hadn't seen him yet. This was great. If he could just barrage himself in somehow he would be able to stay for a while. There was a pack of gum in his wallet. Nah, he wouldn't starve. He'd have things to chew on for ages.

These were the thoughts passing through the brain of a man who had spent three years studying pre-med at Harvard university, five years in med-school, five years as a surgical intern at one of the highest ranking teaching hospitals in the country and finally five more years as an attending neurosurgeon at said hospital. To say he was a bit distraught at that moment would be an understatement.

Derek looked around the room and was a bit stalled. The walls were a pale beige color. Tasteful but sterile. A large window with white lace curtains gave a view over the suburb street below. The walls were bare, but showed pale marks where posters might have ben ripped down, making the room as impersonal as the inside of an eggshell. The bed in the center of the room was neatly made with a large light grey bedspread over the dark wooden frame. To one side sat a desk and an office chair and on the other was a large closet in the same wood as the bed. Derek didn't know why, but he had a feeling this was Meredith's old room. It made him sad for some reason… That this was the place where Meredith had spent about eight years of her childhood.

He shook himself out of his musings as he heard Meredith's footsteps echo through the hallway outside. He quickly grabbed the chair and placed it at an angle to prevent the door handle from moving. Then he sat down at the bed and held his breath. The footsteps stopped suddenly. He heard her attempt to lower the door handle and stop as she realized it was stuck.

"I know you're in there, Shepherd," she said with a dangerously low voice. "If you don't open this door I'm going to kick it in!" Derek sighed desperately and ran his fingers through his hair. She sounded awfully sincere, he thought in panic.

"I'm going to count to three, Derek." Her voice was low and husky. He shifted as he felt himself getting a bit turned on.

_Whoa… Where did _that _come from?_

"One…" Derek's mind whirled.

"Two…" What was he supposed to do?

"Two and a half…" Her voice wavered a bit. Derek moved like a flash. He pulled the chair out of the way and swung open the door just as Meredith came barging against it. She tackled him to the floor like a log and he felt himself getting the air knocked out of him as his back hit the hard wooden floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you all right?" He heard Meredith's voice above him and felt her checking him up to see if he had any broken bones. He coughed as his air returned to him.

"Ho- holy shit, Mer!" he hissed. "Rugby player in collage?" He continued to cough. Meredith smiled despite herself.

"I guess we're even now…" she winked at him. _God _she was strong for such a tiny person. She smiled as she helped him up off the floor. He breathed out for a moment, thinking himself safe. Then she interrupted his musings.

"Just for the record…" Her voice was sweet as honey. Then it turned deathly serious for a second.

"Don't you dare pull that stunt on me again, Shepherd. Or I will cut you open and give your vital organs to medical research."

Then she smiled and walked out of the room. Derek gulped and hurried after her.


	4. Downtown

**Chapter 4 – Downtown**

**I'm very sorry, alerted friends! Fanfiction keeps deleting this chapter, and hope I've finally got it working...**

**A/N: **Okay, just so you know… There will be mentioning of certain game consoles like Gameboy and Nintendo 64 in this chapter and perhaps some to come. I am fully aware that by the time my characters were kids these consoles did not exist yet. (Not even close, actually...) Sorry about that! But I won't change it, so I would appreciate it if you could just ignore this small fact.  
As always: Thanks for the reviews! Keep them coming :)

_When you're alone and life is making you lonely,_

_You can always go, downtown_

_When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry_

_Seems to help, I know, downtown_

_Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city_

_Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty_

_(Downtown – Petula Clark)_

* * *

"Oh look! This one is kinda pretty…"

Derek grimaced slightly as he regarded what looked like a canvas smudged with droplets of the ketchup he had put on his sausage this morning, mixed with a few grains of pepper.

"Looks like lunch," he said simply and smiled when he heard Meredith sigh.

"Derek! How about some help here! Is food really all you think about?" she sounded irritated, but he could tell she was just teasing him.

"Sorry! Addie…" here he zoned out a bit. His face turned sad and he sighed deeply. Meredith patted his shoulder in a soothing motion.

_Yes, right. Here we go again..._

The subject of their cheating spouses had been blissfully avoided during their stay here in Seattle. The names Addison and Mark simply weren't said out loud. They were usually there in subtext, since both of them had been there in about ninety eight percent of Derek and Meredith's time spent together in the past. Saying the names out loud was just painful. It created pictures in their head. Ugly, ugly, painful, ugly pictures that were ugly and disgusting and painful. Ugly.

Derek coughed slightly when he felt Meredith's hand on his person. He pretended to inspect the ketchup painting in front of him with extreme intensity. His wet eyes dried soon enough and he gathered himself to that degree that he could continue the conversation.

"I just… She's a health nut. I wasn't allowed to eat what I wanted…" His voice was weak, but Meredith smiled warmly at him.

"Well, now you can." He met her gaze and smiled back at her.

"Now I can," he responded. They looked into nothing for a while, reminiscing and mourning for their past.

"So… Pizza?" Meredith sounded almost gleeful at the thought.

"God yes!" Derek turned to run out of the art gallery, where they were looking for paintings to purchase and place on the bare walls of their new/old house. He groaned in disappointment however when Meredith grabbed his arm and pulled him back towards the wall of artwork.

"Not before we find at least two more pieces. Then we can go!" Meredith smirked at his sour expression. He stuck his tongue out in to her and she gawked at his manners.

"Shepherd! I'm amazed they even let you into an OR. You belong in daycare." He snickered at this and stuck his finger in her side. She gasped and shoved his shoulder, effectively pushing him into another part of the gallery.

* * *

The bell dinged when she entered what she noticed was called "The Emerald City bar". Meredith was immediately hit with the amount of people that crowded the place. It was a only weekday, after all. In New York the bars were usually full to the brim, but seeing as Seattle was a considerably smaller city she had expected the crowd to be thinner.

Meredith noticed Christina almost directly. She was sitting at the bar with her head on her arms, two shot glasses already turned over in front of her. Meredith smiled.

"Oh this will be a fun night," her voice was amused. "My drinking buddy asleep on the table even before I got here. Really, thanks for the invitation!" Christina jumped slightly when she heard the voice. Then she relaxed again and rolled her eyes.

"Oh, it will take more than two shots for me to pass out. I'm basically immune." She shrugged and waved a hand to a kind-looking bartender who was standing a few chairs down.

"Oi, Joe! This lady needs a drink." The man named Joe smiled at Meredith and came directly over to them.

"Hi there," he said jovially to Meredith. "Haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?" Mer smiled back at him and sat down beside Christina.

"Meredith. Yes I am, as a matter of fact. I came here from New York yesterday morning. Me and my friend are starting at the hospital Monday morning." Joe nodded with interest.

"See, she needs a drink! She has been alone with her boyfriend for far too long to be enjoyable." Meredith stared incomprehensibly as Christina as she said this. The Asian lifted her eyebrows.

"What? McDreamy with the wavy hair and pretty eyes isn't your boyfriend?" Christina huffed. "Huh. That sucks… I've lost my touch." The other two laughed.

"So, what are you drinking?" Joe's asked Meredith as he continued to wipe some glasses with a towel.

"Tequila. Straight up," Meredith said. Christina's eyes widened.

"A woman after my own heart! I knew we would get along."

"If I didn't know better I'd think you were falling in love with me a little bit," Meredith winked at her companion. Christina snorted.

"You couldn't handle me," she laughed. Meredith joined in. She grabbed the shot glass Joe handed her and downed it quickly.

"You want to hear a pathetic story?" Meredith found herself saying. Suddenly she got in a sharing mood. Something about her new found friend seemed trustable, like she wouldn't kiss, tell or look all pitying about her predicament. Christina nodded vigorously.

"Please," she said in a monotone voice, her mouth curved in a slight smile.

* * *

The next morning found Meredith in a horrible mood. The amount of liquor that had flowed in her system the night before could have rivaled that of her drinking-phase in collage. She had had a hell of a good time though. Her and Christina had danced all night and flirted with boys from left to right. But now she had to suffer for it.

"Awghh… I hate my life!" Meredith's voice groaned where she sat on a chair in the kitchen. Derek stood rooted by the stove, cooking them some scrambled eggs. He laughed softly at her outburst.

"You look like absolute shit," he said nicely. Meredith threw a piece of toast at the back of his head.

* * *

Later that day Meredith were carrying some laundry towards the washing machine when she heard a noise coming from Derek's room. This was also the place where she had used to sleep as a kid, but she'd never told him that. She'd simply taken her mother's room for herself and was happy to not be reminded of the awful time she had always had between those four walls.

She walked closer to the closed door and listened intently.

"Oh… oh… ohh… oh yes! Yes! Just do it! Right there! Oh! YEEES!" His screams were extremely animated and Meredith didn't even register that she had opened the door before she had.

There on the middle of her old bed sat Derek Shepherd. His knees bent in front of him, a blanket on his legs and both his hands stuffed between his thighs. Meredith gaped in surprise. She felt an uncontrollable urge to laugh, but she held it inside as good as she could.

"I'M SORRY!" she yelped and turned her eyes away, unable to move her frozen body from the spot where she was standing. Derek shook himself out of his haze and looked up at Meredith's embarrassed face. Then he looked back at his hands, which were still tucked between his legs, and then back up again.

"Oh no… Meredith! It's not what it looks like…" he stammered desperately.

"No, it's Ok, Derek. I get it. A guy has needs…" She turned to leave the room, her vibrating shoulders betraying her silent laughter. Derek looked absolutely horrified.

"No we don't!" he yelled panicked. Meredith turned back around with raised eyebrows.

"Or… we do. Well, of course we do. B- but that's not what I…" His tone became frantic and he blushed when he saw Meredith's eyes become teary. Soon the bubbly laughter that he loved so much came tumbling out in waves and she had to put her hand to her stomach to not fall apart at the seams. Derek's face was incredible. Like he had eaten his first lemon and realized for the first time that it wasn't just a weirdly shaped orange.

When Meredith wouldn't stop laughing Derek did the only thing that came to his mind. He stood up, ran over to her and lifted her up in his arms. Meredith screamed in surprise and kicked with her legs. Derek tried and failed to hide his smile as he threw her onto his bed and started tickling her sides.

Meredith giggled like a little girl and grabbed a nearby cushion to defend herself.

"S-stop!" Derek did not react to this plea of mercy.

"Derek… Stop! Please… I… I can't… breathe" Meredith gasped between wiggling her body and laughing like a madwoman. Derek joined in and was currently trying to pry his fingers under her chin. When he heard her gasping for air he slowly reined in his attack and finally stopped before falling like an exhausted log beside her on the bed. They both lay panting in blissful silence as they tried to regain their thoughts.

"You know, Derek. I was married for four years. I know men… You don't have to explain yourself to me… I don't judge" Derek gave her an incomprehensive stare before finally a look of understanding fell in his eyes. He blushed deeply.

"Oh Mer…" he gave out a short embarrassed laugh. "I wasn't… you know. I was just…" He sighed. "Just… look," he said before thrusting the old Gameboy he had found in a nearby box into her unsuspecting hands. Meredith froze. Then her face slowly contorted into a smile of delight. She started pressing buttons and squealed when it came to life in her grip.

"This is my old Gameboy!" she laughed. "Wow… I haven't seen this in ages. Where did you find it?"

"Oh, I was just trying to make some room for my clothes and found it in a box in the closet," he smiled fondly.

They sat on the bed and took turns on playing for a while. Then a thought hit Meredith and she rushed off into the corridor outside. Derek stared at the place where she had once sat beside him. He jerked when he heard footsteps coming from the attic above him, and then a delighted shout reached his ears. Running footsteps came back towards his bedroom and he smiled with joy when he saw the Nintendo 64 Meredith was carrying in her hands.

"Come along, Shepherd. Let's play a game."


	5. Joyride

**Chapter 5 – Joyride **

_She's a flower, I can paint her, she's a child of the sun, _

_We're a part of this together, could never turn around and run. _

_Don't need no fortuneteller_

_To know where my lucky love belongs, oh no. _

_'__Cos it all begins again when it ends,_

_And we're all magic friends_

_(Joyride – Roxette)_

* * *

"We should go to an amusement park. Do they have any of those in Seattle?" Derek asked Saturday morning. Meredith tried to look excited.

"Yeah! Um… I think so. Never been to one but…" she trailed off. Derek looked baffled when he heard this information. Gathering it for later he realized this was another one of those things that Meredith had never experienced because of her shitty childhood.

"Well… All the more reason to go then," he smiled gently. Meredith grinned sweetly back.

The rest of the morning Derek sat by his computer, comparing prizes, reviews and attractions to get Meredith the finest first impression of an amusement park possible. By eleven that morning they were off. All the way there, Derek told her about his own theme park experiences and tried to egg up her excitement. He was very proud of himself when he succeeded to make her laugh to his story about how he had forced his big sister to go with him on a rollercoaster as a kid. It all ended up with him vomiting all over her brand new pink skirt.

As they pulled up to the park Meredith's spirits dampened though. She really did not know what to expect from these sorts of things. Her mother had detested them and Mark was not really a "Let's go puke in people's laps"-kind of guy either.

Meredith looked around the parking lot distractedly. With her hands in her pockets she absentmindedly observed her surroundings. There was a fair amount of people here. Lots of kids and their parents were making their way towards the entrance, all of them in seemingly positively giddy moods. Meredith turned towards Derek and was startled before having to swallow hard.

He was just in the process of taking off his jacket and throwing it into the car. Meredith's eyes widened slightly. She had always thought her friend was handsome, usually in an off limits kind of way. His charming smile and lean body usually made all the nurses at Mount Sinai swoon with lust, and as Meredith was a fully functioning woman, she was not blind to it either. Now though, she took a closer look and really appreciated Derek's well-toned physique and broad shoulders. He was wearing a dark blue sweater that brought out his eyes. The arms were rolled up, showing off a pair of beautifully muscled forearms and a trusty Rolex on his wrist. His pants that day were some light khaki pants covering a _very_ nice ass and on his feet sat two comfortable looking leather shoes. Derek looked good enough to eat. Plus he hadn't shaved that morning, creating a sexy-looking stubble on his face. She swallowed again as Derek turned around to look back at her with heightened eyebrows.

"You ready to go?" he asked. Completely ignorant of the fact that his fellow member of the recently cheated-on club had just been rather obviously been checking out his behind.

"Uh-huh" she managed and quickly averted her gaze.

* * *

"Derek, it's so _big,_" Meredith looked slightly amazed. Derek laughed.

"You don't have to put it all in your mouth at once…"

"Oh ha-ha… Like that was even an option."

"Look, just try it. You'll love it!"

"Well fine." Meredith put some in her mouth and savored it on her tongue.

"It tastes good. Kinda sticky…" she drifted off. Derek smiled and took a taste himself.

"Mm… pure sugar. It's like eating the Easter bunny," he said and ate some more of the big cone of cotton candy he had bought for Meredith.

"Morbid," Meredith stated and licked her lips. Derek found himself following the path her tongue was making with his eyes. Then he shook himself back into reality.

_Weird. It's Meredith!_

"So, what should we do next? The Ferris wheel?" Meredith's voice was excited and Derek grinned at her enthusiasm. They had already covered the bumper cars, the fun house and a large roller coaster. All of them had left Meredith in awe and she currently looked like a tiny little girl. It warmed his heart.

_It's just because you feel sorry for her. And because she's all you've got right now. Shake it off! You're getting desperate, Derek! _

Derek shook his head to try and clear his racing thoughts. What the fudge was happening? He plastered on a smile and took her arm as they started wandering around in the large park.

The more time that passed from that awful night in New York, Derek found himself felling happier and happier. Meredith was an absolutely delightful person and he regretted not having come to really know her earlier. Of course, this week of fun was just a short vacation. On Monday morning reality would set in and there was work waiting for the both of them at the hospital. Strangely enough, he found himself looking forward to the change. This clean cut had been exactly what he needed to get over the fact that he now saw himself as being without a wife. She had almost ceased to exist to him completely since he saw her in that one worst of betrayals.

"Sure, Ferris wheel is fine," Derek said, finding himself not being able to deny this little woman anything. "A warning though… It's pretty dull. Probably not much to see from up high in this part of Seattle."

"Well you don't know that! We _have _to go," Meredith decided and pulled Derek's hand towards the line in front of the huge Ferris wheel. He laughed and stumbled behind her.

"Mer, slow down! I'm coming!"

* * *

"Oh, Derek. That was _so _much fun," Meredith looked almost high where she sat in the car leaning towards the window. Derek smiled warmly at her.

"I'm glad you liked it." He really was. This whole trip had reminded him that life didn't entirely suck. There was plenty of good in the world. A lot of it was put inside of the dark blonde woman beside him. The thought that Meredith, of all people, had been given such bad lots in life was frightening and sad. It put his feet back on the ground and made him appreciate the fact that he had had the chance to visit quite a few theme parks in his days. That he had a family that loved him back home.

As Derek understood it, Meredith had had a lonely start of her life; facing god knows how many traumatic experiences and seeing far too much darkness for a little girl. Even though she didn't like to talk about it, he had heard enough information from Mark to know that it was _bad. _She had lived through it though, and made a name for herself in the medical world. She held her head high through the truly painful revelation that the only person she really trusted had betrayed her. Yet she still had the ability to rejoice like a child at the prospect of a silly thing like a Ferris wheel. To trust someone so blindly that she placed herself in a small carriage that would turn her left, right, up and down only because he, Derek, said it would be OK. Meredith Grey was incredible. He looked at her now with new eyes and shook his head in amazement.

"You amaze me," Derek said without a drop of irony. Meredith looked at him a bit surprised. Derek looked a bit surprised himself. He hadn't meant for it to tumble out of him like that.

"Um… Why?" she asked and smiled. Derek smiled back.

"Because you've lived through so much crap, and still manages to brighten my-um, people's day with just a smile. The fact that you've been through hell is not your weakness, it's your strength. You use it to make people at ease. When things go bad, you don't freeze. You move forward, you get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse," he said sincerely, looking her straight in the eye. Meredith's heart skipped a beat and she looked away embarrassed.

"Um, thanks?" she responded awkwardly. That was probably the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her. Derek winked at her.

"You're welcome," he said and killed the ignition. Meredith looked around confused and finally saw the white Victorian house outside of the car. They were home. The silence around them was stifling. Meredith found herself staring at a point somewhere between Derek's chin and shoulder. He just examined her facial features for any kind of reaction. Neither of them made any attempt to get out of the car.

Finally, Meredith decided to break the silence.

"So, Derek…" she started in a dead serious voice. Derek held his breath. Had he gone too far in his honesty? Was she offended?

"When I was up in the attic I found this… game," she continued. A smile slowly forming on her features.

"What game?" he asked and she shrugged nonchalantly.

"Oh… Just some racing game or something. I think it's called... Mario Kart." Meredith wore a shit-eating grin on her face now, giving her companion a devilish look. Before she even realized it, Derek was out of the car and on his way into the house. Meredith hurried after him, laughing loudly at his enthusiasm.

"Your ass is mine, Grey," Derek's voice was deathly serious. Meredith huffed indignantly.

"Hmm… You wish, Shepherd." They both giggled as they raced towards the television to start the game. Derek threw himself into the couch and waited for Meredith to start it all up.

"So… Just checking. Are you a sore loser, Mer? Should I let you win to keep peace in this household?" Derek's voice was condescending. Meredith threw a kick in the direction of his thigh. She hit him hard. He had to try very hard not to wince in pain and rub his hand over the spot like a little girl.

"You just look. I'll kick your cute little butt this way from Sunday." Meredith's voice was dead serious as she started up a race. Derek looked at her with a raised eyebrow, and just as the time ticked down for the players to start he gave her a wicked smile.

"You think my butt is cute, Grey?"

Derek let out a huge guffaw when Meredith gasped in surprise and almost dropped her controller, making her lose her lead in the process.

"Oh, you'll pay for that, little Derek." Meredith's voice turned murderous. Derek laughed even louder.

"Well… I can safely say I have _never _been called _that_ before," he winked at Meredith. "It's either 'big' or 'humungous'. Never _ever _little," he drawled with a saucy grin. Apparently, he was playing the distraction card to win the race. Meredith rolled her eyes. Well, two could play that game.

"Really? Good, because just for the record; that's the way I like my men. _Big _and _deep…_" Derek's controller slipped out of his hands and landed several feet from where they sat. He looked slightly hot and bothered, making her giggle. The conversation had turned into a completely unexpected direction. When Derek looked back at the TV screen he yelled in annoyance. She was winning.

"Hey, it serves you right. Stop being so _cock… _y" the pause before the Y made Derek's hands sweaty and he tugged slightly at his collar.

"Oh, you just wait, Grey. I'm _cumming _right behind you." Meredith guffawed in shock slipped off the track for a second.

* * *

"Today was great, Derek," Meredith sighed as they sat in the kitchen eating some sandwiches before bed. They had played on the Nintendo 64 for far too long and had entirely missed dinnertime, resulting in this nighttime meal.

"Yeah…" he said, smiling warmly at her.

"I mean, first the roller coasters and then the games! It was such a high…" she sighed happily "I don't know why anybody does drugs." Derek looked at her with a thoughtful but happy expression. They were silent for a while. Then Derek stood up from his chair.

"I should go to bed," he said and started putting the butter and cheese into the fridge.

"You should," Meredith said and looked at his handsome form. When the table was clean Derek turned to walk for the stairs. Before he disappeared he turned back one last time towards her.

"Good night, Mer," he said quietly with a smile. Meredith smiled back.

"Good night, Derek," she responded before he walked away from her view. Instead of following his example, Meredith sat still by the table, pondering.

This thing- this _attraction_ to Derek… it was obviously not real. Her reactions to him were a simple side effect to the fact that she was alone for the first time in ages. No Mark around meant that she was desperately looking for a replacement, and Derek was just… there. It was only a fling. The fact that she couldn't stop thinking about him and that her heart melted every time she heard his voice was just a part of her imagination. Meredith was determined to let this thing die by itself. Her words were sure in her mind.

So… why didn't she believe them?

**A/N: **Thank you for the support! Keep reviewing and stuff :)


	6. I heard it through the grapevine

**Chapter 6 – I heard it through the grapevine**

**A/N: **Hi there! So glad you like the story. Thank you so much for all the support. I'm starting university soon though, and will not be able to keep posting chapters this often. Hopefully it's OK and my wish is that you'll stay anyway. Please, please, please keep reviewing and all those other lovely things you are so good at. It gives me the will to finish this story, even if it sometimes seems impossible when I have so much other stuff to do. Love you all! /Hanna

_I bet you're wondering how I knew_

_About your plans to make me blue_

_With some other guy that you knew before_

_Between the two of us guys_

_You know I love you more._

_It took me by surprise I must say,_

_When I found out yesterday._

_Don't you know I heard it through the grapevine  
Not much longer would you be mine  
Oh I heard it through the grapevine  
And I'm just about to lose my mind_

_(I heard it through the grapevine – Marvin Gaye)_

* * *

Seattle Grace Mercy West was not a place that frowned upon the thought of gossip. In fact, it bathed in it. The entire place reeked of silent whispers and giggles about sex in on-call rooms, syphilis outbreaks and heart-breaking break ups. Nobody was safe. If something important had happened to a member of the hospital staff, within the day the entire hospital would be aware of all the facts. It was an art really. One mastered to perfection by some of the most unappreciated employees in the workplace. They were the underdogs, the low scum… but also the people that actually ruled the hospital in their own secret ways. That's right. The majority of all gossip threads slithering through SGMW's white corridors started at the nurses' station. Or, as the other staff liked to refer to it as; "Gossip central".

Today was no different than any other day in the rumor mill. The fact that two world-renowned surgeons had just transferred from New York to their hospital on an incredibly short notice was making most of the nurses giddy. Why had they come? What did they look like? Were they a couple? Was Derek Shepherd really as handsome as they were saying? When the rumor about a square drama _(Is that a term?)_ made its way to the ear of one Sally Forbes, a nurse who knew all and everything revolving the hospital, she almost screamed in delight. She immediately went to her best friend, Miley Smith with a humungous grin on her face.

"What do you know?" Miley asked insistently, trying desperately to read any clues from Sally's intense gaze.

"Funny you should ask!" Sally smirked. "Lindsey Foreman just told me that Mary King saw the new head of General, Dr. Meredith Grey, at Joe's the other night." Miley looked confused.

"How did she know it was her? What does she look like?" she asked and Sally grinned excitedly.

"Well, _that _she didn't say. Mary heard her speaking to Joe though! 'Said she just moved here from New York and that she's starting today or something… But that's not all." Sally almost bounced on her feet.

"So, Mary didn't hear it all... but this Dr Grey apparently told Dr Yang some story about how she had found her husband in bed with Shepherd's wife! How sad is that?" Sally's smile contradicted her words though. Miley looked intrigued.

"Really? That's interesting… And she was speaking to _Yang?_ Of all people," Miley huffed. "I'm surprised she didn't get her head bit off."

"Mm-hmm… I know right." Sally nodded conspiratorially. "Anyways, I have to go now. Just wanted to tell you." With those words Sally was off and Miley left alone with her thoughts. Not long after that, Nurse Graham walked by, and really… Miley couldn't _not _tell her. She deserved to know. And so it went that by noon almost the entire hospital was aware of the fact that both new heads of neuro and general had some really awful background stories in their cubbies.

* * *

"Um, Derek… Is it just me or is everyone staring at us?" Meredith sounded a bit self-conscious. They were eating in the cafeteria recapping their first day to each other. So far it had all gone without a hitch. The interns practically adored them, having heard about their work back in New York. The residents respected them and followed their orders without complaint. It had almost gone _too _well. Meredith was suspicious.

"Ith juhft you," Derek's muffled voice said; his mouth was full of burger.

"It's not just you," Christina's voice broke in as she threw down her tray with food beside Meredith.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"It's not just you. Everyone _is _staring," she continued and put a ton of dressing on her chicken sandwich.

"What? Why?" Derek asked and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Christina stared at him, looking a bit disgusted.

"Erm…" Christina averted her stare and looked at Meredith with a nonchalant expression. "Well, they pity you," she stated and began to eat.

"Pity? Why would they _pity _us?" Meredith was bewildered. Derek raised an eyebrow and met her gaze before looking back at Christina.

"The whole hospital is speaking about your _tragic_ past. Makes me wanna throw up," she responded flatly.

"Our _what? _The cheating thing? How would they even know about that?" Meredith whispered desperately.

"Oh, it's the nurses… They know everything," Christina said.

"Crap," Derek muttered, rubbing his nose.

"Hey! Stop complaining!" the small Asian woman demanded. "You should embrace this thing. Everyone is treating you like you're made of glass. Use it against them to build respect! Gain their trust, or something. Soon they all will forget it anyway," Christina said. Meredith laughed.

"_Gain their trust_! Says the woman who has all of the residents and nurses shivering in their shoes at the mere sight of her." Christina looked almost flattered. She smiled a crooked smile.

"I'm just a realist. Trust me, it is better to be feared than loved."

* * *

"Doctor Grey!"

Meredith turned around at the sound of a resident yelling her name. She had just sent an intern to take some tests to the lab and had a surgery in ten minutes.

"What is it, Walters? I have a surgery coming up," she asked in what she hoped was a respectful tone of voice. The resident fiddled slightly with her shirt but kept silent. She seemed uncomfortable and Meredith started to get impatient.

"Dr Walters? I don't have all day," she said, annoyed. The resident straightened and looked a bit embarrassed.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "Dr Shepherd just sent me to tell you 'good luck'," Dr Walters spluttered out. Meredith raised her eyebrows and tried to hide her smirk. _Well Derek, you are certainly using your temporary power thoroughly. _

"Oh. Well thank you Dr Walters," Meredith responded coolly. When the resident turned to leave, Meredith stopped her with her words.

"Just one thing. There's this nice bakery across the street. Would you please go over there and buy a piece of cheesecake for Dr Shepherd?" Meredith smiled slightly.

"I just think it would… It would brighten up his day…" Meredith drifted off with a sad voice. Dr Walters stared at her with sympathetic eyes and nodded.

"Absolutely, Dr Grey," she responded fervently. "Should I get you something as well?" By this point Meredith's laugh was so close to the surface that she had to cough behind her hand to keep it from tumbling out.

"Um… Sure. A banana cupcake would be lovely. Thank you, Dr Walters." The resident smiled brightly and rushed away in a gust of wind. When she was out of hearing distance, Meredith started giggling like a maniac. Oh, this was _great._

Making her way towards the elevators she smiled at the thought that this move probably had been the best idea she'd ever had.

* * *

When Derek walked into the gallery that afternoon it was incredibly crowded. It seemed people from all over the hospital had arrived to watch the new hot chief of General surgery in action. When the people caught sight of Derek though, they immediately parted and made way for him until he stood directly in front of the glass, getting a full view of the gallery below. He watched as Meredith with incredible precision performed a lung lobectomy. She made it look incredibly easy, and as she asked questions to the resident beside her, he couldn't but feel a bit proud.

Of course, he had seen her perform surgeries like these countless if times. He had probably watched more of her surgeries than even Mark had. It wasn't the fact that she was good, because _clearly_ she was amazing. No, it was the fact that now all of those people that had looked at her with only pity in their eyes would realize what a hotshot surgeon she really was. They would respect her and see beyond the gossip that whirled around their heads. Hopefully he would get one of these opportunities as well. Suddenly Meredith glanced up towards the gallery and caught his gaze. He smiled at her and he saw her eyes crinkle behind her operating mask as she responded in kind. He watched her work in silence and discretely took a glance at the crowd every now and then to gather their reactions. So far, they seemed pretty impressed.

"Mm… she's hot," he heard a voice behind him. Derek froze and looked at the man who had uttered the words from the corner of his eye. He recognized him. Albert Karev or something... He was a pediatrics attending, which surprised Derek a bit. The man seemed like a complete man-whore, making working with children seem a bit out of place. Derek didn't like him.

"Beautiful," a small and boy-looking guy sitting next to him sighed. Derek didn't like him either.

"I wonder how she is beneath the sheets…" Karev continued as if he hadn't heard. "You think she's wild? Looks like she would be wild. Plus, sad chicks are desperate. I'm sure she needs a… shoulder to cry on, if you know what I'm saying." Karev's innuendo was obvious. This was it. Derek spun around towards the guys and gave them both a look that could make bigger men pee their pants. He stared at Karev for a few seconds before talking in a measured voice.

"Doctor… Karev, is it?" Derek asked. The man lifted an eyebrow in response. The entire room was now looking at them expectantly. "You, and doctor…" Derek trailed off, looking at the other man.

"George O'Malley, sir," the person in question answered.

"Karev and O'Malley. I think we've all heard enough of your shallow comments about the talented and wounded surgeon down there. Please, do us all a favor and leave this room immediately." Derek's voice was low and deadly serious. The men stared at him for a long while, before George hurriedly picked up his stuff to leave, dragging a perplexed Alex Karev behind him.

"Yes, we're very sorry Dr Shepherd. It won't happen again," O'Malley stuttered out before closing the door behind him. The other surgeons, nurses and even janitors stared dumbfounded at Derek and he sighed exasperatedly, running a hand through his hair. This was _not _the kind of scene he needed to make right now to gain respect. He mentally kicked himself.

"Stop staring! Don't you all have jobs to do or something?" he asked impatiently and stormed off in a huff, leaving a confused and surprised crowd behind him. In the top left corner of the gallery sat a nurse called Sally Forbes, grinning like she had just opened a very good Christmas present.


	7. Turn me on

**Chapter 7 – Turn me on**

**A/N: Thnx, dudes. Keep the love coming.**

_Like a flower, waiting to bloom _

_Like a lightbulb, in a dark room _

_I'm just sittin' here waiting for you _

_To come on home and turn me on _

_Like the desert waiting for the rain _

_Like a school kid waiting for the spring _

_I'm just sitting here waiting for you _

_To come on home and turn me on_

_(Turn me on – Norah Jones)_

* * *

"Did you hear what happened in the OR Gallery last night?"

"I know! Dr Shepherd totally defended Dr Grey's honor!"

"Nuh-uh… that was like last _month, _Patricia! Keep up!"

"Then _what?_"

"He was like super-sweet… Kept looking at her and smiling the entire time. Like he was proud of her and stuff. He's _so _in love."

"Aw! It's _so_ sweet. I hope they get together."

"You kidding? He's _way_ too good for her."

"Uh, I don't know. Dr Grey is actually really nice. And she's incredible with a scalpel…"

"Yeah… Did you know that her mother is Ellis Grey?"

"What? _The _Ellis Grey?"

Meredith closed her eyes where she sat in her office. Her door was slightly ajar and she had a clear hearing of what was being said between two nurses outside. She and Derek had worked at Seattle Grace for a couple of weeks now and had gotten to know the place quite well. They found their way around and knew most of the people's names by now. Still, the rumor factory surrounding the two friends kept going strong. And spreading falsehoods, too. Derek was most certainly _not _looking at her in any way other than fond friendship. And what the hell was this gossip about Derek defending her honor about? She would have to speak to him later. For now she had too much paperwork to do.

Meredith sighed. This constant chattering about her behind her back made her head ache. Christina had insisted that it was normal and would go away naturally in a week or two. Yet here she was! Still suffering and trying to ignore the secret glances that were following her everywhere. It seemed whatever she did the crowd of hospital workers found some new way to twist it into an interesting love story. This morning she had bought two coffees, one for her and one for Christina. She hadn't yet walked two steps down the corridor before she heard it again.

"You think the other one's for Dr Shepherd? Aw, that's so cute," nurse Olivia (or syph nurse, as Chris insisted on calling her) whined.

_What on earth has Derek done to create this type of rumors?_

Right then Meredith's musings were interrupted by the object of said thoughts knocking in her doorway.

"Am I interrupting?" Derek asked with a smirk, leaning against the wall. Meredith shook her head and smiled at him.

"So I was just wondering if you wanted to get lunch." Derek sat down on her comfortable couch and nonchalantly took a piece of candy from a bowl on the small table next to it.

"Sure. Just have to finish this up, then I'm free," she responded and looked down on her papers, trying desperately not to look at the way Derek's well-styled hair touched his forehead in a way that made her want run her hands through it. He put his feet on the sofa, leaned back into a lying position and proceeded to watch her delicate features as they concentrated on the work before her. She started fidgeting in her seat.

_Screw it. I'm not gonna get any work done with him staring at me like that._

Meredith sighed and put the papers away. Then she stood up and signed for Derek to follow her example.

"How's your day been so far?" Derek's cheerful voice asked beside her where they walked towards the cafeteria.

"Oh, you know… the usual. I had two liver transplants and lots of paperwork. You?"

"Meh, it's been pretty slow. I had no surgeries planned and nobody seemed to want to bash their heads in today either," Derek replied nonchalantly and shrugged.

"Speaking of head bashing…" Meredith interjected. Derek turned towards her with a raised brow and seemed to stand just a little bit too close for her comfort. She could clearly smell the scent of his cologne and see in close-up the small scar on his forehead (apparently from some sort of motor cycle accident that happened before they met.) Meredith swallowed. Now when she thought about it… scars were kinda sexy...

She woke up from her reverie when Derek's face turned amused.

"Yes, Mer?" he teased to her faraway stare. She blushed slightly and pulled on his arm to continue their walk towards the cafeteria.

"Right. So, I heard some nurses speaking outside of my office about a Dr Shepherd defending my honor in a OR gallery a couple of weeks ago…" Now it was Derek's turn to blush.  
"Where is this rumor coming from and why have I not heard of it before?" Meredith's eyebrows were raised but she didn't look mad. Simply curious and a bit amused.

"Mer, you know the rumor mill around here…" Derek said with a strain of nervousness.

"Derek," she interrupted sternly. He sighed.

"Fine. So, Karev and O'Malley may have made some comments about your physical appearance that I thought were inappropriate." Derek swallowed. "I only told them to… to take it elsewhere," at this he smiled one of his dreamy smiles and Meredith's knees grew weak.

"Oh…" Meredith responded a bit surprised. This explained the fact that George hadn't wanted to meet her eye once when they met at Joes earlier that month. "Do I really need to tell you I don't need a knight in shining… whatever?" she questioned, but with a smile on her face. Truth was, she was a bit flattered. Mark had never been the protective kind, and she appreciated a bit of chivalry every now and then. Derek smirked back at her.

"Well, I can hardly leave you to the wolves! You're harmless." Meredith scoffed but Derek continued. "And just for the record, I _am _your knight in shining…whatever." With that he turned on his heel and went to grab some food with Meredith laughing and shaking her head behind him.

* * *

"So? You think he's hot. We all do. But he _obviously _likes you too or he wouldn't stare at you with those sex-crazed eyes all the time. I say shag him and get it over with," Christina stated, her mouth full of food later that day.

"Really?" Meredith sounded hopeful and then shook her head in disgust at her own thoughts. "Ugh. I can't just shag him. It would complicate everything! His friendship is the only good thing that has come out of this shit with Mark and Addie…" her voice trailed off and Christina gave her a murderous stare. "Except for you, of course," Meredith quickly continued. Christina stared at her for a while before shrugging and continuing to eat from her sandwich.

"I'm screwing Owen," Christina stated flatly. Meredith spilled coffee all over her chin and proceeded to cough harshly until she had tears in her eyes. Christina continued to eat but patted a light hand on Meredith's back.

"You're doing Hunt? The chief of surgery?" Meredith's voice was hoarse and she looked utterly baffled. Christina didn't answer.

"Oh my _god!_" Meredith stared at her Asian friend for a moment before shaking her head and laughing slightly. "Oh, man… Is he good? I mean… it looks like he'd be _good." _ She asked and leaned back against the wall. They were seated in an abandoned corridor waiting for their interns to page them about some tests. Christina smiled devilishly. Then she pulled up her scrub top slightly to show her side where numerous fingermarks and love bites were spotting her fine skin.

"Hot damn…" Meredith sighed appreciatively.

* * *

"I'm ordering pizza! What do you want?" Meredith yelled through the walls towards the living room where Derek sat playing on the Nintendo. They had finished about the same time from work that day and Derek decided to drive the both of them home in his brand new BMW.

"Pizza again?" Derek yelled back. "Mer, I've gained 6 pounds since we moved here! Maybe we should eat something… I don't know. Healthier?" At this Meredith stuck her head out of the kitchen with a phone in her hand.

"Um, sure. So, what do you want? We could order some Thai or Lebanese… But not Chinese, I hate Chinese," she rambled and brought out some menus from a cupboard over the sink. Derek laughed.

"You know, we could actually _make_ our food for a change. And for breakfast, why don't we eat something other than cereal or cold pizza?" Meredith looked horrified.

"I don't cook!" she exclaimed and stood in the doorway, entirely lost. Derek thought she looked so darn cute that he couldn't help walking over to her and hugging her.

"Don't worry, Mer. I'll cook." He stroked her hair softly and he couldn't but feel that this position felt so _right. _He could honestly say he had never felt this comfortable with anyone since the beginning of his and Addison's relationship. Before she became such a kick-ass surgeon who demanded of him to do everything her way. They stood that way for a while and Meredith reveled in his warm embrace, completely forgetting the fact that she had a husband back in New York and that the man she was currently having dirty thoughts about was also married, and to her ex-best friend at that. When too much time had passed, Derek realized what was happening and let her out of his embrace. The both of them felt the loss and shivered at the sudden coldness of the room. Then Derek took Meredith's hand and pulled her towards the door.

"Um, where are we going?" she asked, desperately wanting his arms around her again. Derek turned his face around and gave her another one of his award winning dreamy smiles before picking up his car keys from the bureau.

"We're going grocery shopping!"

* * *

The food was delicious. Meredith felt like she could die of contentment where she lay on the couch in the living room, watching Derek try to put life into the fireplace in the corner of the room.

It was getting chilly outside and the cold autumn wind mixed with the Seattle rain had left the both of them shivering and wet as they rushed from the car into the house. They then proceeded to take a shower, separately of course, before starting on dinner, which ended up being Rigatoni with grilled peppers and onions. Meredith was determined that Derek was the best chef in the world, to which he laughed when she told him. She had almost fallen asleep when she felt Derek sitting down on the other side of the couch, pulling her feet into his lap. It all felt _so _goddamn _right. _Meredith just wanted to lie like this forever.

Instead, she sat up like in a trance. The fire crackling in the fireplace made the silence between them magical. Without thinking she laid her head on his shoulder and curled up next to him. Derek leaned his head on hers and took her hand in his, playing with her fingers.

"Derek…" Meredith whispered. He hummed in response.

"Why did you defend me that time in the gallery?" Her voice was low and vulnerable. Derek's intention of saying the same thing as that morning faltered. He hadn't sent the men out of there simply because they were being inappropriate. He was feeling possessive. That was the truth. And Meredith… Meredith deserved the truth. So Derek closed his eyes for a second and pushed away the thoughts that what he was going to say was wrong and that he had a wife, technically anyway, back in his hometown. Then he sat straighter and took Meredith's cheek in his hand. He looked into her eyes and read the openness and anticipation in there.

"Meredith…" Her name slipped out of his mouth like a prayer. Then he smiled softly but defeated at her. "I think I'm falling in love with you," he whispered. With that he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against her in a passionate kiss, so filled with love and tenderness that Meredith felt the strange urge to cry. It took a while before she responded, but when she did it was with reverent surrender. She gave everything she had left of herself to him in that kiss.

Her hands snaked up into his hair and she felt his hands finding their way under her burgundy sweater. Without thinking she straddled Derek's lap and started unbuttoning his shirt. When her hands traced a pattern on his chest he let out a groan, before pressing her closer to him and starting to place kisses down her neck until he found a piece of skin behind her ear that made her shiver in pleasure. When he heard her soft moan he felt, distinctly, the crossing of the line pass. There was no turning back now. They were done for. With reverent hands he laid her down on the couch beneath him.

Derek had forgotten for a while what true happiness was. Now he remembered.


	8. Happy together

**Chapter 8 – Happy together**

_Imagine me and you, I do_

_I think about you day and night, it's only right_

_To think about the girl you love and hold her tight_

_So happy together_

_(Happy together – The turtles)_

* * *

If Meredith had seen herself like she was acting right now one year ago she would have laughed. This was not her. This prancing and whistling woman was clearly a doppelganger, planted by the president to gain access to some secret medical files or whatever. She was acting like the kind of people she ridiculed on a daily basis for being too cheery and lovey-dovey.

"Wow, someone got laid last night," Christina's snarky voice broke through her thoughts when she walked in to throw some stuff into her cubby. Mer rolled her eyes but couldn't quite hide her smile.

"So, I gather you and Dr McDreamy decided to leave the land of Friendzonia last night," she said and smirked. Meredith giggled slightly.

"You… could say that," she responded cheekily. The sex last night had lasted a _long _time and was followed closely by two other rounds. Truth be told she felt a bit sore in her body and her head clearly felt the downside of getting too little sleep. She was also feeling conflicted in her head. After the second sex she and Derek had lied for hours and just _talked. _They confessed their innermost feelings for each other and cried about their lost marriages in each other's arms. It had been magical, but also slightly frightening. This intensity felt unfamiliar to Meredith. She didn't really know what to think.

"Cool," Christina stated and closed her locker, putting an end to that awesome conversation.

"So, how's Owen?" Meredith asked as they left to make their rounds.

"Oh, you know... Sexy, wild, desperate for my touch…" Meredith snorted at Christina's response.

"To be honest I wouldn't take Hunt for a no strings-kinda guy. He seems to like commitment and safety, you know?"

"Yeah well…" Christina trailed off and looked around discreetly to find something that could turn the attention away from this particular conversation. Meredith watched her. Then her eyes widened.

"Oh my god! You _like _him!" she said a bit _too _loud, turning a few heads as they walked down the corridor.

"What? I do… n-_NOT._" Christina's usually composed features turned annoyed and Meredith smiled at this fact. Her friend was clearly in denial.

"Oh, you _so_ do. Don't worry, I won't tell. Just… you know… think of me when you're speculating about baby names." Meredith laughed and ducked away from the chart Christina aimed at her head.

"Shut up, dirty mistress," Christina replied dangerously, but couldn't quite hide a smile.

* * *

Meredith hurried down the corridor inconspicuously. She had worked super hard today, removing a very large tumor placed in a woman's stomach. She had been constantly paged and grabbed for consults and she just needed a break from it all. Which explained her rush and need for a hiding place. She concentrated so hard on not meeting anyone's gaze that she didn't see the muscular scrub-wearing form walking right towards her before she crashed right into his warm chest.

"Hey there! Slow down! What's got you in such a hurry? You look like Satan's hot on your heels," Derek's voice was amused and Meredith smiled warmly at the sound. Then she tensed again as she looked around for any onlookers. When she saw the chief resident walking around the corner and heading in their direction, she panicked. Without an explanation she dragged on Derek's arm, pushing him into an on-call room and following closely behind before locking it tightly and breathing a deep sigh of relief. She looked back at Derek and saw his surprised face.

"Oh my god! I can't do this, Derek!" she sighed tiredly before he had a chance to ask. "They're everywhere! Don't they have anyone else to bother about their wrongly diagnosed diagnoses and crap? I mean, there's more than one general surgeon in this hospital, and just because I'm the best doesn't mean I have the time to run around like an ostrich to save their asses! Plus, I haven't even gotten a full night's sleep because we spent all night having sex and my body needs it's rest, for god's sake! I think God hates me… Or… someone does. Because clearly God doesn't exist, because if he did I think he would have the decency to just clear my schedule for a few minutes to heave my breaths!" Meredith was pacing as she rambled and Derek tried to follow her nonsensical sentences but failed miserably.

"W- who are you talking about? And how did this become a discussion about God's theoretical existence? And I thought you liked the sex?" he asked with a confused facial expression and tried to coax her into a more harmonic state with his warmest smile. It worked wonderfully. Meredith's knees weakened considerably and she walked straight into Derek's open arms to put her head on his muscled chest.

_This feels so right._

"I did! I mean, I _do… _But I'm tired, Derek," she whined as Derek's calming hands began to stroke her hair. He found that this motion was especially effective to make her calm down and felt it working when she leaned heavily against him. Derek smiled softly and led her to the bed to the right.

"What are you doing?" she asked as he pushed her down on the covers. She looked absolutely adorable looking up at him like a child.

"You are going to lie down for a bit and sleep, Meredith. You've earned yourself a break," he said and pulled a blanket from the foot of the bed before laying himself behind her and covering the both of them with it.

"Oh…" was all Meredith said and then she burrowed comfortably into the mattress as the little spoon, reveling in the feeling of Derek's strong arms around her waist.

_So, so right._

* * *

The following weeks felt like pure oxygen for Meredith. The stifling pressure she had had on her heart after the Mark and Addie-incident lifted slowly more and more until she could hardly feel its existence. She knew it could never have happened without Derek's help, but also; the more distance she put between herself and Mark, the more she realized how utterly wrong they were for each other.

They had been too alike in many ways, what with the both of them having had bad parents and their joined incapabilities to communicate with each other. It was sad, but in the parts of their marriage that really mattered, they were rubbish and Meredith questioned whether she had even liked him that much in the end. He was always following behind her and asking her advice, as if he had no idea how to live his life without her in it. She knew with certainty that she had loved him, after all, she had married the man… but did she like him? No. Meredith wasn't sure.

She hadn't felt this carefree in weeks. Meredith and Derek had spent so much time together just doing the things they could never do before. Both enjoying each other's company and bodies, making love more times than they had done to either of their spouses in a year. It was magical. Heart-fluttering. Beautiful. Ridiculous.

This was _too _good to be true. Good things like this just didn't happen to Meredith. People left. People sucked. People cheated, and it was too good to be true. She said this out loud to Derek one evening.

"Mer, stop it," he sighed tiredly one day when they were laying naked in her bed after an earth-shattering love making-session. "Can't you just enjoy what we have and stop over-analyzing everything?" Meredith looked skeptically at him. He was so goddamn naïve. Of _course _this wasn't the end of the badness. But then again…

_Maybe… _a traitorous voice whispered in her head. She swallowed.

_Maybe this_ is_ it. Maybe the fuck-upped-ness that has been my life has ended. _Meredith took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

_Maybe the up-hill-battle is over. _She smiled. Derek regarded her expressions and drew patterns absently on her shoulder with his long finger.

"Maybe…" she whispered into the pillow.

"What did you say?" Derek asked.

"Err, nothing," she responded and smiled easily at him.

* * *

"Do you want to go to dinner with me this evening?" Derek asked Meredith as they stood in the elevator on their way home from the hospital. Their shifts had just ended and they were both in a good mood.

"You're asking me out on a date, Dr Shepherd?" Meredith enquired coyly. Derek winked at her with a smile.

"Perhaps," he said flirtily and put his hand discretely on her ass.

Meredith jumped and gaped at him. "Oh, you dirty, old man!" she exclaimed. Derek's smile vanished and he turned mock-offended.

"I'm not old!" he said indignantly. She giggled.

"Aw, Derek. It's okay…" Meredith teased. "I like you anyway. It gives you an air of… wisdom. Plus, your denial is very cute!"

"I am _not _old!" he said and shook his head confidently. Meredith nodded at him understandingly and tried to hide a smirk.

"Whatever you say, sir…" then she screamed in surprise as she was tackled into the wall and tickled from every side. He growled loudly and she giggled and yelled for help. His fingers dug into her poor flesh and her attempts to push him away were futile. Derek didn't let up until the lift dinged, telling them they had arrived on their destined floor. Meredith breathed heavily and leaned on the railing.

"Oh my god, Derek… You _have _to stop tickling me when you're losing an argument. It's cheating!" she sighed and glared at Derek where he stood laughing on the other side of the elevator. Meredith's eyes sparkled.

"Besides, your frail body might break," she sighed and looked sympathetically at him. Then she sneaked out of the elevator like a lizard before Derek's hands could capture her again.

He hunted after her giggling form as fast as he could walk without actually running. They were in a hospital, after all.

"Meredith. I am only five years older than you!" he argued behind her.

"You're right!" she yelled back. "You're not old, Derek." At this, she stopped abruptly, turned and walked back towards him. She snaked two hands into his raven curls and kissed his cheek soothingly.

"Thank you," he said smugly.

"These gray hairs are only there for show, I get it," she pointed at a couple of whitening strands on his temples. The devil was back in her eyes. "Salt'n'pepper is undeniably sexy, pops…" This time, before she had the chance to escape, Derek grabbed her tightly and silenced her with a passionate kiss. Her muffled protests faded out slowly as she began to respond. His tongue begged entrance to her mouth and she gladly let him in. Without Meredith noticing them moving she was pressed towards the wall of the corridor. Thankfully it was late in the evening and this particular part of the hospital was abandoned, or the rumor mill tomorrow would have a field day.

Their hands were everywhere. Meredith explored Derek's back and shoulders through his blue shirt and his one hand was buried deep within her hair while the other was placed possessively on her firm ass. Their panting and moaning grew louder as Derek's mouth left Meredith's to leave a trail of kisses down her neck towards her collarbone. Nails dug into his scalp and he let out a soft growl, which made her shudder in want. Meredith's blood pumped loudly in her ears and her only thought at that moment was the man in her arms. She couldn't believe the reaction he brought out of her. The fact that she was currently making out rather wildly in a public hospital corridor was exhilarating, and certainly nothing she would ever have done before getting involved with Derek Shepherd. Her thoughts were interrupted when Derek's lips crashed down on hers once again. His hands were now underneath her blouse and kneading her left breast through the bra. She moaned loudly and was just about to bite his lip teasingly when she heard a piece of glass crash onto the floor.

In a flash, she tore her mouth from Derek's and turned her head towards the sound. She froze instantaneously. Derek looked questioningly at her before turning around himself. When he saw who had caught them in the act his muscles tensed and his facial expression turned dark as the night. The silence around them was tangible.

"Addison." Derek's voice was stone.

_I knew it was too good to be true. _Meredith thought bitterly. This was just _great._ There was a long pause.

"What am I? Invisible?" Mark Sloan said from where he stood beside Addie. His eyes were glued to Meredith where she sat, still perched in Derek's arms with his hands under her shirt. She sighed heavily.

_Crap._

**A/N: Okay, I know this cliffhanger was not super-unexpected. We have seen this before, you don't need to tell me. Still, I would like it for you to not sigh in exasperation and give up on me. I know what I'm doing!**

**Thanks for the comments and stuff! If you want me to continue I need some more encouragement though. I love to write this story, but it's funnerer (let's pretend it's a word) when I know you like it too!**

**Peace out.**


	9. Desperado

**Chapter 9 – Desperado**

**A/N: Greetings, earthlings! The response to my last chapter was… awesome to say the least. Thank you so much! I really appreciate your suggestions. Your comments have given me so much inspiration that I have completely abandoned my schoolwork.  
If I fail this upcoming exam, I blame you. Just sayin'.  
Still, your support will surely comfort me through that particular pain. So… I've got that going for me, which is nice.**

_Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy_

_She'll beat you if she's able_

_You know the queen of hearts_

_Is always your best bet_

_Now it seems to me some fine things_

_Have been laid upon your table_

_But you only want the ones_

_That you can't get_

_(Desperado – The Eagles)_

* * *

Derek slammed the front door shut with a loud bang.

Meredith opened her mouth to say something, but before she had the chance he had disappeared up the stairs and slammed the door once again, this time to his room.

So, there she was. Alone in the foyer feeling utterly confused and upset. She could feel a panic attack coming on and heard her breaths becoming more rapid without her control. She had known this would happen. Or… she hadn't known _this _particular event would occur… But she had sensed the reality coming creeping behind the corner. Yet, she had hoped. The small glimmer of joy that all was well had made it's way into her brain, and now it all came crashing _that _much harder. It just went to show that nothing good could ever happen without something biting her in the ass afterwards. Images of Mark and Addie in bed together resurfaced and tears threatened to break free from behind her closed eyelids. Still, she pushed them back. Even though she could hear Mark's words echoing in her head, she kept the dam closed. The whole meeting had been terrible. 

* * *

They stood on different sides of the table, as if to create some sort of wall between them. Mark had his dark gray shirt on. The one she had bought for him last Christmas. That Christmas when she had fallen asleep in his lap after a wonderful evening with their best friends.

"Meredith… Me and Addison agreed that what we did was a big mistake." Meredith snorted at her husband's attempt.

"Oh. **OH!** Okay… All right Mark!" Meredith exclaimed sarcastically. "Thanks for saying that! Let's hug and make up before screwing and making some babies. Oh! And then let's invite Derek and Addie to the baby shower!" Her fake excited voice turned murderous and she narrowed her eyes dangerously. She could honestly say she had never been this angry since her mother had forbidden her from going on her Europe-trip before med school.

"I'm sensing some hostility and sarcasm," Mark seemed correctly frightened by her tone.

"Your perception is astounding, dear." The bitterness seeped from her mouth.

"So… I'm taking this as a sign that you're not happy to see me." Mark now looked properly afraid and discreetly backed as far as he could without actually touching the wall behind him. This reunion had not gone as well as he had planned.

"The fact that you made it through medical school is freaking wizardry!" Meredith yelled and threw a binder at him.

"You screwed my best friend!" she roared. Her whole body was shaking in anger. After making stiff greetings earlier in the corridor, each couple had walked into one conference room each to "talk" it all out. It had not started well.

"I know, and I'm sorry! Come on Mer. You can't stay mad at me forever!" Mark ducked expertly from the binder but was unsuccessful in dodging the flying stapler coming his way afterwards.

"Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow!" he moaned and touched his now bleeding cheek. Meredith growled in annoyance and rubbed her eye sockets with shaking fingers. She sighed deeply and banged her hand on the table before stalking around the table to stand before her husband. With stiff movements she removed his hand from his cheek and looked at the small wound. She sighed again and grabbed a nearby tissue to dry away the blood. Then she punched Mark hard in the chest with her fist and stalked out the room. She looked towards the other conference room and vaguely registered that she heard no yelling. Just as she was about to knock on the door Derek opened it and stepped out.

"We're leaving," he said flatly and Meredith had no choice but to follow after him as he stalked towards the hospital entrance. Before they were out the door though, a small and desperate voice reached them.

"Just think about it, Derek." Addison's voice was resigned and when Meredith turned around she found her oldest friend looking utterly exhausted. She had bags under her eyes and dried tears on her cheeks. Derek nodded stiffly in her direction without meeting her gaze and then suddenly they were both out of the madhouse and out in the open. 

* * *

Meredith tossed and turned that night. Sleep seemed like an impossible goal. Not only had the two people she least wanted to see shown up to burst her happy little bubble, she was also alone in her bed. These last couple of weeks she and Derek had spent their nights intertwined in each other's arms. Now she felt the solitude keenly. Her bed was too empty. _She _was too empty. With a deep sigh she shook off the covers and stepped out on the cold wooden floor. Maybe tomorrow sleep would come.

Giving up, she decided to return to the hospital, for lack of other things to do. The drive passed by in a blur and before she knew it she was parked in the parking lot. Tiredly she strode into the hospital towards the E.R where she hoped to find some emergent case. On her way there she passed the corridor where the awful meet-up had happened. She was just about to rush past it when something shiny caught her eye. In the middle of the floor Meredith spied a small pile of broken glass shards. She vaguely remembered something crashing earlier and popping her and Derek's bubble. When she looked closer she found what looked like an irreparable pair of reading glasses.

_Well… _Meredith thought and chuckled ironically at it all. _At least I can comfort myself with the fact that Addie won't be able to see anything for a while. Oh bummer. Maybe Mark can read her Cosmopolitans aloud for her... _She giggled. 

* * *

A few days passed by in which everything had changed. Meredith and Derek hardly spoke to each other, unless it was related to the hospital or the house. They did have an occasional banter, but the conversation never reached deeper than a cart on the Nintendo 64. Meredith thought she would go insane from all the drama. Her nerves were constantly on edge, expecting either Mark or Addie to walk out from behind a corner. It was exhausting, and it quickly became apparent to the hospital staff that something was not as it should be in the phenomenon that was the Grey/Shepherd club.

Work became the only hideaway for both of the world-renowned surgeons. Or… almost the only one. Two other friends helped to take the pressure off, and they spelled "S-C-O-T-C-H" and "T-E-Q-U-I-L-A".

"Oh, my love. I have missed you all day," Meredith murmured to her shot glass one slow evening at Joe's bar.

"I've missed you too," a sultry voice behind her responded, making her almost spray out the entire glass in a coughing fit. The man behind her sat down on the chair beside her and patted her affectionately on the back.

"Oh, that is very sexy, honey." He smirked. "I really like the dripping out of the nose thing. A real turn-on," he winked and smiled a lop-sided grin. Meredith glared at him, trying to dry herself up as best as she could with a napkin Joe threw her way.

"What are you doing here, Mark?" she enquired with an irritated voice. This was not how she had planned out the evening. She was supposed to spend the night drinking heavily until she couldn't remember her name. Then she would ask Joe to call a cab to take her home, where she would proceed to fumble and drop her keys. Then finally, giving up, she would fall asleep in the hammock until Derek woke her up the next morning to tell her they needed to go to work. No part of her plans involved Mark sitting down next to her, talking.

"I'm enjoying a drink with my wife," he responded simply to her question. Meredith snorted at the last word.

"I don't want to talk to you, Mark. Really, I don't even know what you thought you could accomplish by coming over here in the first place. How did you find me?" she asked and his smile disappeared. His hand scratched his stubble slightly as he thought of how to respond to her question.

"I… _we_ spoke to Chief Kelley," he finally responded. "He said both you and… _Derek_ had left the hospital because Richard Webber bribed you into becoming parts of his surgical staff." He flinched when he mentioned Derek's name, clearly thinking of the way he had found him and Mer tangled into each other like horny teens in the hospital corridor that night. Meredith's sympathy almost surfaced at this fact, but then she remembered why she had left New York in the first place and her mind turned sour once again. She didn't respond to his explanation, instead signing to Joe for a refill.

"So…" Mark continued awkwardly. "How have you been?" Meredith stared at him incredulously.

"Right. Dumb question, I'm sorry…" he said, itching the back if his neck absentmindedly. He was clearly uncomfortable, and it made Meredith feel a bit better.

"Why are you here, Mark?" she asked again.

"I just told you! I'm enjoying a…"

"No, not here. I mean why are you _here? _In Seattle," she asked quietly, downing her second shot glass of the evening. Mark cleared his throat and swallowed. He was not a man that liked to discuss his feelings. Seeming weak and needy was his greatest fear, something Meredith used to find endearing and somewhat ironic, seeing as she had spent most of their relationship mothering him discreetly when he couldn't make his own damn decisions.

"Well… I miss you, okay?" he muttered. "I've been stupid and a jackass. Didn't realize the good thing we had until I lost it, you know?" he said lowly, only for her ears. She almost found it cute that he was so embarrassed.

"I agree on the stupid and jackass-part," she responded flatly while her hands played absentmindedly with a piece of lime peel.

"I'm just sorry, Meredith, okay?" Mark sighed. His gaze was almost desperate. "I'll do anything to get you back," he murmured and took her hand in his. Meredith's heart melted a bit at the edges. He always was such a smooth-talker, which somehow always managed to wear her down. He had gotten her, the queen of commitment issues, to marry him after all. She smiled a bit at them memory. Then a thought hit her.

"I hear you, Mark. You want me back. I get it. Just… just answer me one thing," she said determinately.

"Anything," he responded seriously.

"You cheated on me literally _months _ago," she stated. "Why did you wait for so long to find me?" At this Mark looked a bit embarrassed. He fidgeted a bit on his bar stool and didn't meet her gaze for a while. Then he smiled awkwardly.

"Well, um. I obviously wanted to go sooner but… You know…" he trailed off. Meredith sighed tiredly and filled in the gaps.

"You didn't have the balls to come by yourself, so you waited for Addie to join you." She rolled her eyes and Mark smiled sheepishly at her before ordering a glass of whiskey.

"Oh Mark. I'm not taking you back," she sighed and put her chin in her hand. Mark's smile faltered a bit and he looked almost sad.

"You say that now," he responded and Meredith laughed at his arrogance. She then stood up and reached for the peanuts and when she sat down again Mark's smile was back to its normal filthy self.

"Seattle has done you good, Mer. Your ass is good enough to eat." Meredith snorted when she heard this.

"Oh, Mark. You really are a horrible human being," she said and swallowed another glass of tequila.

"And proud!" he exclaimed and waved for Joe to refill his glass. Meredith simply shook her head and continued to drink herself into a stupor. 

* * *

"How did the talk with Addie go?" Meredith finally got up the courage to ask Derek. She was driving the both of them home from work and decided that this was as good a time as any to broach the subject. Derek seemed surprised. The topic had been taboo for so long between them and now Meredith had broken the barrier. He was a bit taken aback.

"Um, fine," he said simply and offered her a fleeting smile. Was it just her or did it seem a bit fake?

"Okay… what happened?" she pried and smiled back. "Mark asked for me to take him back. I threw office supplies at him."

"Eh, well. That's good." Derek answered, absently fiddling with a piece of thread that had ripped from his dark green sweater. Meredith thought he looked especially tasty today, with a longer stubble than usual and a pair of nice fitting jeans that showed off his butt beautifully. She waited a moment for him to continue but nothing came.

"…Derek?" she asked and he looked up, startled.

"What? Oh yes, well. She said she missed me and all that, you know." He laughed lowly and ran a hair through his hair. Meredith bit her lip distractedly as she tried not to concentrate on the way she knew those locks felt in her hands. She felt a flash of desire course through her core.

"Did she ask for you to take her back?" Meredith continued patiently. Derek looked out the car window and sighed, a bit frustrated.

"What's with the twenty questions?" he muttered. "Yeah, she did. I said I would think about it, okay?" Derek was clearly annoyed. Meredith's brow furrowed. That was not what she expected.

"Wait, you said you'd _think _about it?" she asked incredulously. "Derek, she _slept _with your _best friend_! What is there to think about?"

Derek sighed, irritated. "Look, it's between me and her, okay?" He said, trying to keep calm. There was a pause in which Meredith held her breath in case he decided to continue. When he did his voice was quieter than before. He seemed almost sad. "Me and Addie have been married for _8 years_. Together for 11… I can't just throw that away in a flash."

Derek smiled with a hint of melancholy in his eyes. "Of course I'm not planning on taking her back, but I won't break her heart without at least taking a while to think it over." He sighed heavily and looked pointedly at his driver. "And a little support from you would be nice."

Meredith threw a short but serious look back at him. She swallowed back the dread she felt at his hesitation. _He's just being fair. It's nothing to worry about._

"Fine," she said with finality. The rest of the car ride was spent in tense silence.


	10. The man of a thousand faces

**Chapter 10 – The man of a thousand faces**

**A/N: Your comments make me so happy I could KISS you! But if you stop I won't be responsible for my actions.  
Also, this chapter will be quite Derek-centered and kinda angsty, so be ready.**

_His words are quiet like stains are_

_On a table cloth washed in a river_

_Stains that are trying to cover, for each other_

_Or at least blend in with the pattern_

_Good is better than perfect_

_Scrub til your fingers are bleeding_

_And I'm crying for things that I tell others to do without crying_

_(The man of a thousand faces - Regina Spektor)_

* * *

"That's it, Shepherd. Today is the day!" Meredith Grey had been silently watching her sulking boyfriend these last three days. She figured enough was enough. Leaving people in suspense like this was pure torture and unfair, not only to Meredith but to Addie as well. Meredith might have not particularly _liked _her ex-best friend right then, but she still felt that the truth needed to come out as to not make any further damage. Time was up and if Derek didn't break it with his wife today she would physically maim him.

Derek groaned pathetically. He knew exactly what Meredith referred to, as she had hinted at him several times about just the same thing. This straight honesty obviously meant she would not take no for an answer.

"Fine. I'll tell her," he murmured.

They were seated in the hospital cafeteria, lunching on a sandwich each as they contemplated the complex nature of their existences. Christina had left a moment ago in search for Chief Owen Hunt, who she had just come out as official with.

Meredith whooped. "That's the spirit!" She chewed a bit on her food and looked expectantly at him.

His eyebrows furrowed. "W- what… Now?" he stammered and Meredith smiled happily.

"Yes! She's in the ICU with George. They have some case together and he just texted me to tell me she was there."

Unlike Mark, Addie had taken advantage of the fact that she was currently in Seattle by making contacts. When meeting Chief Hunt, he had been quick in taking advantage of the famous neonatal surgeon's presence by giving her a few cases of her own.

Derek seemed a bit wary. "You- you told O'Malley?" he asked with a skeptical tone.

"About what? The fact that your wife slept with my husband? Or that you don't have the balls to tell her to fuck off?" Meredith's voice was light, but there was a certain hardness behind it. Derek apparently did not have the right to screw this up.

He took a deep breath and stood up. Meredith beamed at him.

"Yes! That's right! Go carpe that diem!" she exclaimed and winked.

He nodded distractedly and smiled slightly. "Yeah, yeah… wait." Something clicked in his brain. "Go carp-…? You did _not_ just say that." A shit-eating grin sneaked up on his lips.

"I did," Meredith countered with a smirk.

Derek shook his head in wonder and laughed as he started to move away. "Encouragements in Latin is just plain dorky, Mer."

Meredith giggled. "Are you kidding me? I'm planning to make it a thing. You know, spice up the English language a bit with some "Lynx lynx" and "Ego Sum Lord Voldemort"…" she trailed off as she realized what she was saying in a cafeteria full of residents she was trying to gain respect from. Derek laughed at her expression.

"Meredith…You should be a bit embarrassed," he said and pecked her on the cheek.

"I am," she said flatly and straightened her back.

"Good." Derek walked away from her and waved.

"I love you! Have a nice day!" She said to his back.

"You too!" he waved distractedly, seemingly in another world entirely. Meredith's heart soared as she saw him disappear in the crowd. He was finally doing it! They were both free!

A part of her winced inwardly though. This was the first time she had told him she loved him when he wasn't asleep. He had told her of his love several times but she never seemed to be able to gather up the courage and say it back. Today she did though. Meredith tried not to think about the fact that he hadn't even acknowledged the fact. He probably hadn't heard her.

* * *

Derek did not come far. As fast as he left the cafeteria, the Addison-related musings were interrupted by his beeping pager. The rest of the afternoon was spent in the OR, trying to find a small bleed in a young woman's brain. He was going in blind, so the search was long and tiring. The woman coded two times on the table before he finally found it. Then, just as he was about to stop the bleeding, she coded again. This time he was unable to save her, which hit him hard.

Afterwards he went out in search for the young woman's husband. This was always the hardest part. Derek stood in the waiting room, watching a blond man with a worried expression pace back and forth in wait for the love of his life to come out of surgery. He was whispering something to himself, and as Derek came closer and heard it he closed his eyes to keep himself calm.

_"…__From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part… To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer…" _Then the young man caught sight of him and stopped. When he saw Derek's facial expression his own crumbled. His eyes became haunted and he sat down abruptly in a nearby chair.

"Mr. Davis," Derek began. The man nodded, but his eyes were completely empty. He knew exactly what was coming.

"I was able to locate the bleed in your wife's brain, but…" He drifted off and swallowed before continuing. "I am very sorry, Mr. Davis. Carol coded three times during the operation and in the end we were unable to save her." Mr. Davis was shaking his head slightly and staring into nothing. Derek's heart sank even lower. He sat down next to the man and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Believe me when I say that we did _everything _we could…" He was cut off when Mr. Davis started to talk.

"We married a month ago. Had just returned home from our honeymoon in Italy." He closed his eyes.

"Sh-she…" Tears began to run down his cheeks. "She was s-so beautiful." He put his head on Derek's shoulder and began to cry for real. Derek tried to be professional and keep his head calm, but it was hard. Especially since he had his own marital problems to worry about. Suddenly, Mr. Davis surprised him by saying his name.

"Dr Shepherd," he started. "Are you married?" Derek's hesitation was almost unnoticeable before he answered.

"I am."

Mr. Davis nodded thoughtfully and looked him in the eye with the most pained expression he had ever seen. Derek held his breath as he waited.

"You should value your vows," he said. Derek's heart sank. "You should treat her like she is the most important thing to you. Otherwise, one day she might not be there anymore. And then you'll regret ever neglecting her." 

* * *

Derek stood on the bridge in the hospital looking out of the giant window. The sun was setting and he had yet to speak to his wife as he promised Meredith earlier. These last hours had been spent wallowing in self-loathing. Mr. Davis' speech had shaken him to the core.

Derek knew he had never been a particularly good husband. When he thought about it now he realized he had been straight out despicable to Addison. Never at home and putting his career first, he had neglected her and their marriage. Even though that was no excuse for what she had done, he was partly responsible for her cry for attention. Her words that night he was caught with Meredith still rang in his brain.

_"__I never meant to hurt you, Derek. It's just… you were never home anymore." She had seemed so small and pitiable. "I was so lonely, and Mark was _there_. He and Mer were slipping and we just sort of created this bond, you know."_ _Addie sniffed. "It didn't mean anything to me. Just scratching an itch or something. But I still love you, and I think that if you look deep into yourself you'll find that you love me too. If only just a little bit."_

Derek closed his eyes in anguish. He hated himself. He hated his wife. He hated his best friend. And most of all he hated what he was about to do to Meredith. She would never forgive him. This friendship they had created and that had meant so much to him, was bound to crumble. He loved her, he really did. But he was a married man.

He finally understood what his mother had tried to teach him as a child:

_"Sometimes what is right to do is what will pain you the most. Still, you have got to do it. In the end you'll look back at that part of your life and be proud of yourself because you didn't take the easy way out. It will make you happier, and that is what's important."_

* * *

Meredith came almost bouncing into the close to empty OR gallery where she knew Derek would be. She had been looking for him all day and had only just now heard from a nurse that he was sitting in here, seemingly not very cheerful. She walked straight over to him and gave him a hug.

"Hello there, stranger," she whispered sympathetically. "How did it go?" Meredith put her head on his shoulder and stroked his arm soothingly. He made absolutely no response, hoping that she would get the message from his demeanor. Unfortunately, Meredith took it as a sign that he was feeling bad for Addison.

"She'll get over it, you know. Maybe Mark will take her back." She snorted softly. "They certainly deserve each other."

No reaction.

Meredith decided to change the subject. "So, I don't know if you heard it before, but I told you- well more like yelled, that I love you when you walked away." She laughed a bit, ignorant of the wince on Derek's face. "I probably shouldn't have done that. Said it in a full cafeteria like that, I mean. Not that I regret saying it, because I _obviously _don't. I mean- I can say it again anytime," she rambled. Derek tried to get a word in but she just kept going. "Hey, Derek, I love you!" she giggled. "Lord, it feels so _good _to say it, you know. I love you, Derek Shepherd." Her smile was radiant.

Derek needed to silence her. Now.

"Meredith…"

"Yeah, I know. I'm rambling. The point is, I heard some nurses talking about it outside. Hearing me saying that I love you, I mean. But you know what…?" Derek shook his head and tried to stop her. She didn't notice.

"I don't care one iota, you know. I don't care if they know. Let them talk down the hospital! Carthago delenda est!" she finished and giggled. When she finally turned and actually looked at Derek she saw something she had never seen before in her life. Derek looked utterly defeated. His face spoke of absolute pain, but the worst part was his eyes. They completely reeked of _pity. _Meredith swallowed as realization dawned like a bucket of ice water pouring over her head.

The silence could be cut with a knife.

"Derek?" she asked weakly, making him close his eyes and look away from her accusing stare. She swallowed hard and put a hand on her forehead. Her breaths turned shallow for a few seconds before she forced herself to get it together.

She laughed awkwardly. The sound was so false that she almost cringed.

"So, okay…" she stalled.

"Well. So... You are taking her back, I gather," she said patiently and nodded her head slowly, fixating her stare somewhere above his shoulder. Derek opened his eyes and looked at her with pleading eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mer." Derek swallowed. "She's my wife…" His voice was hoarse and cracked on the last words. Meredith felt tears come rushing, but she stopped them.

_Don't let him see you cry. You can do this._

Finally, she did the only thing she could think of. She closed herself off. Her eyes turned detached and her face unreadable. Derek could hardly recognize her like this. The lump in his stomach was big as a football. He had problems breathing just thinking about what he had done. A full minute passed. The only thing that could be heard was quiet orders coming from the OR below.

"Any chance you can forget, like, _everything_ I just said?" Meredith tried, feeling the cold creeping into her heart.

_Please, no. Please, no. Please… No no no no..._

Derek only stared brokenly and watched in despair as Meredith started to walk away from him; trying to keep what dignity she had left. When she came to the doorway, though, she was suddenly cut off by a familiar voice down in the OR.

"Now, I would appreciate it if Dr Grey turned off the speakers on her way out. Maybe then we could get some peace and quiet down here."

With bile in her throat, Meredith turned around towards the OR and saw Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, George O'Malley and at least six gossip-eager nurses in the middle of what looked like delivering triplets.

Meredith choked down a sob, slammed her hand on the speaker button and rushed out of the gallery as fast as she could.

* * *

**A/N 2: Please, please, please don't hate me.** **I know I seem like an unoriginal cotton stick. It's just… I've had this turn of events planned forever and you just have to wait for the stuff that is to come. I'll try to make it worthwhile!**

**It is also now scientifically proven that my chapters will upload quicker if I get a lot of responses. Therefore, review like your lives depended on it!**  
**With love 3 /Hanna**


	11. Author's Note!

**Okay. This update is just a short one in regards to the many comments about how awful I am as a person. If you don't feel offended by my last chapter, you don't have to read this!**

Oh dear. Well, the last chapter certainly didn't leave anybody unmoved. I must say it makes me really happy that you care this much. The furious comments pointed at me makes me a bit scared, though. I'm only an amateur writer, and if you for some reason find my storyline lacking in any way you are free to just leave. I won't be offended, promise! I've read lots of really angry ones and I find them absolutely awful to read. (Some I even removed due to inappropriate content and personal attacks.) They have actually made continuing to write this story seem kind of pointless. My mood has gone way down and the plans I made to turn all this around doesn't seem that fun to write anymore. I'm all for constructive criticism but really, you guys. I get that this is the internet and all, and we all have free speech or whatever, but these comments have actually hit me hard. I am very sorry if I disappointed you, but this is what I chose to do.

Also, I want to clear a few things out:  
**Firstly: **My Derek Shepherd is no prince charming. In the show, he is super charming and lovely. Still, he hides away the fact that he's got a wife and later decides to not leave her when she comes back and tries to reunite with some lame-ass comment about being "the love of his life." In my opinion Derek is a flawed character. He is in no way as dreamy as many portray him. He is constantly leaving Meredith and making her feel like shit. He doesn't know how to handle her, and so he gives up. I obviously love him to death, and wish for MerDer to be united forever, but this fic is just a way of showing he's not as strong and wonderful as people like to think.

**Secondly:** I have always seen Addison as a mean person. She is a bitch, and will always be a bitch. But that's just me.

**Thirdly:** This story is in no way me trying to torture my characters and readers. It's just something I had in my head one day. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on Meredith right now. Maybe she doesn't deserve this kind of pain, but really... Would this be an interesting storyline if the both of them ran into the sunset and lived happily ever after right now?  
I don't think so. The MerDer saga will always be a complicated and devastating one.

My Meredith is a stronger Meredith than you can ever imagine, and she has taken a lot of hits. She will survive this, as will you.

Please keep reviewing and letting me know what you think! (But keep the word "hate" and it's subtext down a bit, will ya?)  
Maybe I can still find some kind of spark to continue this story. We'll see.

**Hugs and kisses – Hanna**


	12. Stay alive

**Chapter 11 – Stay alive**

**A/N: Oh my god. I was worried I'd get more hate (because some comments were very explicit personal attacks that I removed directly) after that last update, but you have been so incredibly lovely. People still suck, but now at least I know there are nice ones out there as well. Thanks a bunch! Now, let's just leave all that behind and actually proceed with the story. It's about darn time.**

_There's a rhythm in rush these days_

_Where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade_

_Leaves you empty with nothing but dreams_

_In a world gone shallow _

_In a world gone lean_

_(Stay alive - José Gonzales)  
_

* * *

This wasn't happening.

Meredith Grey didn't _want _to cry. Not again.

Fate seemed to continuously throw these kinds of things her way, be it awful parents, unfaithful spouses or miscarriages… And now it had given her Derek Shepherd. Mc-fucking-Dreamy. The man that had helped her take Seattle by storm. That dominated the OR and made all the nurses swoon with his charm. The complete _ass_ who had comforted her in her despair, had made her open up her heart once again only to later put it in the mixer and drink it as a smoothie for his health-nutty breakfast.

She didn't _want _to cry again.

Yet, here she sat. She could practically hear the gossip network booting up and spreading its news like wildfire amongst the employees of Seattle Grace Mercy West.

This was it. Meredith was sure of it.

She had hit rock bottom and had no idea of how to get up again. She was sitting on the floor in the corner of a stairwell somewhere. She had no idea of how she'd gotten there, much less in what part if the hospital she was. About five hours had passed since her very closed off feelings had been displayed like a billboard sign for the whole world to see. Or was it just a couple of minutes? She couldn't tell.

He had actually gone back to his wife. On the day she had told him she loved him to his face for the first time, he had left her and gone back to his cheating, lying, bitch of a spouse.

Meredith would have laughed at the irony if she'd actually had anything inside her. She was so empty right now, she couldn't even feel the humiliation of Addison hearing it all. She knew she should, but all she felt was coldness. Coldness and emptiness.

Wow… didn't _that_ sound like a Coldplay song. Without knowing it Meredith started humming "Yellow" silently to herself. My god, she must be going mad. She had almost come to the chorus when she heard someone sitting down next to her.

"You know your life is crap when Coldplay lyrics are starting to make sense," the voice said. Meredith _almost_ jerked in surprise. She hadn't yet come to the point where she could form coherent sentences. Still, the fact that _Alex Karev _had sat down next to her shivering wreck of a person _did _require some kind of reaction. So, she blinked and directed her gaze at him. He kind of looked as he always did, smug and cocky as the day he was born. Still, he looked sad somehow. It was obvious that he hadn't heard about _it, _or he wouldn't be sitting here. She sighed slightly in relief and relaxed a bit.

"You should put that on a T-shirt," she croaked silently. Her smile was pathetic but there nonetheless. Alex smiled back a bit, suddenly not as cocky as before. He seemed to have some kind of own problem on his mind, because he didn't react when she wiped her tears away from her cheeks, trying and failing to act normal.

They both sat silently for a while, pondering and taking some weird kind of comfort from each other's presence. The fact that another human soul that didn't know about the catastrophe yet, made Meredith calm somehow. Suddenly Alex disrupted the quiet.

_Damn._

"All right. I tell you something and you tell me something, okay?" he said quietly and Meredith sighed. So much for ignorance. Still, he was bound to find out sooner rather than later anyway.

"Fine," she stated quietly. "You first."  
Alex nodded. He took a deep breath, gathering his courage before speaking.

"My dad... the one I haven't met since he left when I was a kid... is in the ER. He's on drugs as always and wrapped his car around a pole." Alex' voice was sincere and absolutely defeated. If Meredith hadn't seen this side of him she would never have believed it existed. She didn't respond to his statement, as he didn't seem like a person that needed a lot of comforting words. He just needed someone to listen, and she was a great candidate (Being dark and twisty and all that.) Perhaps they weren't so different after all.

He seemed to be waiting for her to say something, so she found her courage and just blurted it out before thinking too much.

"I told Derek I loved him for the first time today, not knowing he had already left me for his wife." She swallowed. "I just rambled like some maniac about how happy I was… And then… I found out. And then…" she sniffed. "Then I realized Addison and George and a bunch of nurses were listening to it all through the intercom." She put her forehead in her palm and breathed deeply, trying to keep down the river of tears that were threatening to spill once again. The rush of sadness that she had thought she would never feel again was breaking her walls. She needed to keep them together unless she wanted to break.

Suddenly she felt it. Alex's hand was uncertainly rubbing her shoulder and before she knew it she was leaning into his side with his warm arm around her.

He certainly was no Derek, but it still felt nice to know someone cared.

After a moment Alex made a small chuckle. He let out a puff of air and smiled ironically out at nothing.

"Well, fuck," he stated, amused at the ridiculousness. "You win."  
Meredith just snorted.

They sat silently for another couple of minutes before Alex stood up and brought her with him. He stalked determinately down the stairs and Meredith followed hesitantly.

"Where are we going?" she asked uncertainly, holding her arms around her abdomen as if to keep herself from turning into a puddle on the floor. Alex looked at her with a smirk.

"We're gonna get drunk."

* * *

"… And Derek was all: 'I'm sorry, Meredith. She's my wife.' **Hah!** Like I didn't already know that!" a totally wasted Meredith Grey slurred to an equally drunk Alex Karev inside of Joe's a couple of hours later. They sat at the bar heaving shots as if they were water, leaning into each other and laughing at their fucked up lives.

Alex chuckled at her words. "Schepperd. Stupid Schepperd. Of course you did," he murmured supportively into his glass.

"Yeah." She stated and waved for Joe for the umpteenth time. "Because his _w-wife _slept…" she hiccupped "…with _my_ huzzband!" she said, pouting at Joe's shaking head across the bar.

"Mhhm…" Alex concurred.

"I saw it," she said.

"Mm."

"We both did." She nodded to herself. "And now he's back with that… Sl-slut!" she exclaimed drunkenly into the bar table. She really _loved_ tequila. It was an amazing drink. Suddenly she stiffened as another realization hit.

"And now I can't go home," she whined. Alex looked dangerously close to falling asleep but he managed to grunt something similar to "why", which Meredith seemed to find sufficient.

"Because he'll be THERE!" she wailed, not noticing the heads turning towards the pair. "He lives there," she whispered, horrified. "What if he wants _her _to move in?"

When she didn't get a reply from Alex she tried to shake his shoulder slightly. The only response she gained was a loud snore. Right at that moment Joe reached them and took their glasses. Meredith tried to protest, but couldn't find the words.

"All right, you two. You've had enough for tonight. A cab is waiting outside to take you home."  
When Meredith pouted at him he simply shook his head.

"Wake Karev up and go out that door right now…" he pointed at the entrance. "…Or I'm calling for Derek to come get you."

The horrified look on Meredith's face almost broke Joe's heart. He'd heard her sad tale explained in detail tonight, and suffered with her. Silently, he vowed that next time Derek Shepherd came through these doors to drink, he would find some spit in his glass of scotch.

"Alex...!" Meredith whispered loudly. He hardly stirred.

"Alex! We're here," she said, and finally he opened his sleepy eyes where he lied in the back of the cab. With a slight groan he sat up properly and looked around. His eyebrows rose when he realized where they were.

"We're at my place," he stated, confused. Meredith giggled at him.  
"How do you know where I live?" he asked and yawned.

"I woke you up and asked you. Then you fell asleep again," she sighed. The Cab driver coughed slightly, causing Meredith to giggle again, excuse herself, search her handbag and start throwing change from it at the floor in disoriented movements. The pair in the back laughed delightedly as the coins fell everywhere, while the driver sighed in exasperation before shooing them out the door.

Well out in the night, Meredith shivered from the cold while watching Alex search his pockets for the house key. When he found it they both took turns trying to fit it into the lock.

After many failed attempts, where Alex's curses were followed by Meredith's giggles, they finally made it inside of his apartment. She leaned heavily on her equally drunk partner, who seemed to have problems standing upright himself. Unsteadily, they made their way towards the bed where they proceeded to collapse in a pile before breaking out in snores.

* * *

The next morning was a mess. First, Meredith didn't know where she was, and somehow thought she was back in collage where she had found some guy at a party and drunkenly fallen asleep in his bed. She instantly changed to one-night-stand mode, looking for exits and possible weapons around her. The only thing she saw from her laying position was an empty room with a bureau in the corner. On top of it stood a large box of condoms and she sighed heavily. Oh _god. _A frat guy.

When she started to move though, the headache hit her like a sledgehammer in the frontal lobe, and she hurried towards what she hoped was a bathroom before vomiting copiously and paying great respect to the porcelain god.

With a hand on her forehead, she tried to remember what she could from the night before. She _obviously _wasn't at collage, since she now could recall her entire life up until the point where her and Alex had taken body shots from each other's belly-buttons.

Then the reason for her depressing behavior hit her and she leaned forward to puke once again at the recollection. The taste of bile in her throat matched her mood perfectly.

_Right. Derek. The asshole… that I still love. That's what started all this._

She sat down heavily on the floor, staring into nothing for a very long time. This wasn't happening. This. Wasn't. Her life.

_Deep breaths._

_Go to your happy place, Meredith. Ahh… serenity._

_Green leaves... Freshly cut grass... Derek's arms around her as they made sweet love on the…_

**_Stop it!_**

Suddenly her inner fight was interrupted by a large body crashing through the open bathroom doorway and the sound of heavy retching. After recovering from the shock, she awkwardly patted Alex' back while he released most of his insides into the toilet.

When he was done they both sat down looking at each others' pathetic forms. Alex looked like she was feeling. His hair stood out in all direction and the bags under his eyes could probably fill her entire shopping list of groceries. After a while Alex groaned in pain, clutching his head with his hands.

"Oh damn. How much did I drink last night?" he whined. Meredith grimaced as she herself rubbed her temples, while rising up in search for aspirins.

"Too much," she responded as she found them in the bathroom cabinet. She handed him a couple, and he quickly downed them dry, looking positively wretched.

"I'm never drinking again," he deadpanned, to which she laughed.

"That's what we always say. Yet, we never mean it," Meredith smiled before sighing and flushing the toilet. "Ugh. I need a shower," she continued, stretching her sore muscles. Alex raised an eyebrow but didn't move an inch.

"You want company?" he asked lewdly, gifting her with one of his smirks. It looked pathetic combined with his hangover, but at least he tried. Ugh. Apparently the sincerity from last night disappeared with the alcohol.

She sighed, irritated, and motioned towards the exit. "Out," she ordered and pulled him towards the door before closing and locking it firmly.

* * *

Coming to work that morning was like walking into a gay bar where she was a straight guy dressed in only his underwear. Her fears had been sound. The news about the evening before had spread like Gangnam Style throughout the hospital, and not a single pair of eyes was directed in another direction. The whispers reached her ears from every direction and her pounding head ached just a little bit more because of it.

"Chill, Grey," Alex whispered from beside her stiff form. "They are only staring at you because you look like you were just run over by a truck." His words were funny, but Meredith didn't smile.

Suddenly, her body was jerked away from the lobby towards an on-call room. She followed like a limp doll and didn't realize who had captured her before they were face to face. When her confused eyes locked with Christina's she sighed in relief and sat down heavily on a bed. She immediately put her head in her hands.

"Mer," Christina said. She pried Meredith's hands away from her head and tried to stop the way she was rocking back and forth like a mad person.

"Mer, It's not as bad as you think!" she said decidedly. Meredith stopped and stared straight into her friend's eyes. This was _exactly _as bad as she thought.

"What?" she snorted. "The entire hospital doesn't know that I'm the pathetic Head of General who couldn't keep her mouth shut about being in love with a married asshole of a man in front of an entire team of surgeons?" Her voice was seething. Christina grimaced and looked at her friend with as much sympathy as she was capable of showing.

"Yeah well… Not that part. That's still pretty bad," she started and Meredith began to rock again.

"Hey stop it!" Chris said, holding her still. "You have to pull yourself together, Meredith. I heard the gossip. _All _of it, actually, and it's quite interesting."

Meredith sighed and leaned heavily against the wall behind her, motioning to her friend that she was listening. Christina took her cue.

"So, basically…" She took a deep breath. "After you left that gallery last night McAss tried to follow. He couldn't find you, so instead the idiot went down to the OR where he started yelling at Addison that they 'needed to talk'. When she said she couldn't leave her patient, he basically mentioned the word divorce, and then she left the delivering to George and went after him," Christina explained seriously.  
Hardly taking a breath, she continued; "A nurse heard yelling through the scrub room doors, and... and apparently he didn't _know_ the intercom was on. He was royally pissed at Satan for not saying anything to cut you off. Then he stormed out of the room, leaving the witch crying after him." Christina's shook her head to herself. "Basically, the spin from the gossipers is that Addison is a horrid bitch and that Derek is a pathetic and ball-less loser." When she finished her speech she sat down next to her friend, leaning into her side without making too much body contact. She was Christina Yang, after all. She didn't cuddle. They sat silently for a moment.

"Oh! And you are an adulterous wreck who can't control her mouth diarrhea," Christina added nonchalantly, making her friend pull a small smile and shake her head. Then Meredith sighed and rubbed her face.

She was glad Christina had told her this. Still, the facts didn't really help right now. She was still alone, Derek still lived in her house and Addison Montgomery-Shepherd would hardly be leaving this city for a while if staying meant she could keep her husband. Meredith's eyes closed in horror as the fact that they all worked together started to sink in. She choked a sob and buried her head in Christina's shoulder as the tears started streaming.

It was going to be a long day.


	13. Colorblind

**Chapter 12 – Colorblind**

**A/N: Hi, guys! I have a huge exam this week, so don't expect an update really soon. But keep up the reviewing! I love reading your thoughts on how you think i should develop this story.  
****Have a nice day! – Hanna**

_I am covered in skin_

_No one gets to come in_

_Pull me out from inside_

_I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding_

_I am... colorblind_

_Coffee black and egg white_

_Pull me out from inside_

_I am ready, I am ready_

_I am ready, I am...fine_

_(Colorblind – Counting Crows)_

* * *

Meredith was getting tired of this hiding business. All day she had been ducking behind counters and disappearing into supply closets, successfully managing what she in her head called "Operation Avoidance". Meeting Derek or Addie in a corridor (or _anywhere _really) simply _could _not happen. The consequences could be devastating and she wouldn't know what to do. She had heard through the grapevine that Derek's and Addie's behavior towards each other was frosty, to say the least. Still, meeting anyone of them was out of the question if she wanted to prevent causing a scene that would almost definitely end with her curling up in a corner afterwards. Therefore, Meredith spent most of the morning in her office, sending residents and interns to do her dirty work. There were some perks to being the head of a department, after all.

Feeling hunger creeping in at lunch hour Meredith thought with a heavy heart that she couldn't starve to death inside these four walls. She supposed. With dragging feet she made her way towards the cafeteria, trying to ignore the stares and whispers following her as she went. After buying her food she was determined to hide away again but sighed heavily when she saw Christina and Alex sitting at a table, waving her over. Uncertainly she made her way over to them, trying to act normal. She didn't fool anyone.

"So, you and Evil Spawn came to work together this morning," Christina stated, breaking the tension.

Meredith threw a look at Alex, who seemed amused and a bit smug. She rolled her eyes at him and took a drink from her water bottle before answering.

"Yep. And before you ask, we didn't have sex." Christina looked at her with raised eyebrows. She looked far too happy.

"So, how far would you say you went? Second base?" she asked curiously. Meredith choked on her drink. Alex laughed loudly, turning a few heads (that weren't already staring, that is) towards them.

"NO! Nothing! No base was reached. Base zero!" Meredith cried, coughing hard. Christina smirked and bonked her friend on the back a few times. She had reached her goal and gotten Meredith to think about something besides that jerk of a Neurosurgeon.

The banter continued in good humor, until George came running towards them. His face was alarmed.

"Mer! Dr Shepherd's in the line for food!" he panted heavily. All three heads turned towards said direction.

Unfortunately, George was right. There, dressed in dark blue scrubs that brought out his eyes and with his hair perfectly styled, stood Derek. His appearance was impeccable and as dreamy as ever. Still, he looked absolutely miserable. His eyes were travelling around the cafeteria as if searching for something or some_one._

Meredith's reaction was instantaneous. She gasped loudly and forcefully grabbed Alex' food tray from out of his hands to put it in front of her like a shield. Then she shrank as much as she could, looking as if her highest wish in this world was to just disappear into the ground.

The others looked uncertainly at each other. Then suddenly something snapped inside Christina Yang. With a huff she tore the tray out of her friend's hands and slammed it down on the table.

"Meredith Grey! Stop that right now. He isn't worth it," she said sternly. Meredith looked even more terrified at the outburst and glanced around the room for an escape. The only thing she could see were faces turning and looking at her. And there... There he stood. And he was watching her.

This was exactly what she had dreaded all day. Christina had made a scene. She had drawn attention to her and she couldn't stay here right now. Meredith had to shut her up and somehow find a way to run away from this room before Derek got the idea to walk up to her. She met his sad stare for a second before looking down, forcefully trying to control herself. Still, her hands seemed to be shaking just a bit and her heart was racing like a bumblebee. The panic was interrupted by George's gentle hand on her shoulder. She closed herself off and took a deep breath.

_Right. Pull yourself together._

She glanced up at Christina again, but she was just shaking her head. Alex grimaced a bit but started eating again when he saw that she had noticed him. What was she going to do?  
Deciding flight was the only available option; she stood up and walked sneakily out of the door. A few seconds went by in which the three remaining surgeons only looked at each other. Then, without much thought, they followed after Meredith's retreating back, sending murderous glances in Derek Shepherd's direction as they went.

* * *

"You know you're gonna have to talk to him sometime, right?" Christina asked where she sat next to her friend down in the tunnels. Meredith sighed, but didn't answer. She had managed to escape Chris for a couple of hours, but now she had found her again. She carefully looked around for listening nurses, but was relieved when she didn't see any. The tunnels were abandoned as usual.

"I mean… you still live in the same house – which I suggest you throw him out of, by the way – and share a workplace…" Christina continued. Meredith turned irritated. Who the hell _was _this woman? Christina didn't care. She was a robot. Why was she pushing her into talking about something she really didn't want to talk about? Without thinking, she asked straight out.

"What the hell, Chris? Why do you even give a damn?" Meredith's voice was harsh, and she suddenly froze, realizing she might have stepped over the line. But Christina only sighed and sunk further down on the bunk. A few seconds passed where nothing was said. Meredith was starting to think the conversation was over when Christina finally spoke again.

"Owen said he loved me," she stated. Meredith didn't answer, only staring at her friend. Then she continued. "…and I think I love him too." Christina looked absolutely terrified at the fact, which made Meredith smile. There was a brief silence.

"I just think it sucks that your life sucks. That's all," Christina finished, looking away. Meredith squeezed her friend's shoulder. She laid her head on top of her raven colored curls and relaxed. They both sat there for a while, immersed in their own thoughts.

Then the silence was interrupted once again, this time by Meredith. "So. You think I should throw Derek out of the house?" she asked. Then she nodded slowly. "I can do that."

Christina smirked, and soon the silence was there again. This heart-to-heart thing she had had too often lately was making her soft, which sucked. She almost had some strange urge to hug her friend, but reigned it in. Embarrassed, Christina coughed slightly and straightened her pose.

"By the way," she said determinedly. "If you utter a word about this conversation to _anyone… _I'm going to cut you open." Meredith laughed and Christina smiled at the sound.

"Oh… that's only empty threats, little Asian woman. You'd miss me too much."

Christina didn't respond but gave her friend a wink.

* * *

The rest of the week went by incredibly slow. She slept at Christina's every night, not daring to go home, even for an extra change of clothes. Finally on friday, thinking enough was enough; Meredith searched out Chief Hunt and asked for the rest of the day off. Since he was aware of her story as well as everyone else, he let her off the hook easily.

The journey home was a sad one. As the cars flashed by outside the windows she contemplated the fact that she would now be living alone. Having Derek in her house these last few months had been the only constant in her life. Someone that cooked and cleaned. Someone who she could speak with long into the night or maybe make some love to before they finally fell asleep. To throw him out was not something she longed for. But it was necessary. Plus, she didn't want to speak to him at the moment, which made living together rather hard.

When Meredith arrived at the house she was surprised to find the man himself sitting at her front porch.

_Shit._

Well, she could hardly escape now. She was bound to talk to him some time. Even if she'd hoped she could have waited a few days, Meredith figured today was as good a time as any. Sighing, she looked at herself in the rear view mirror and straightened her hair a bit before stepping out of the car.

She walked uncertainly towards him with her hands in her pockets. Staring at his open, casual shirt over a white T-shirt and worn-out jeans, Meredith once again thought Derek must be one of the handsomest men to have ever lived.

Derek jerked suddenly when he heard her. Then he shrank somehow, looking extremely beaten and sad. Meredith sat down on the porch beside him, looking at nothing and waiting for him to start talking. There was a brief silence.

"Hi, Meredith." His voice was quiet but didn't waver. "How are you?"

_What the hell do you think, idiot? _

"I'm fine," she said, hiding her feelings as best as she could. They were silent once again, waiting. Then suddenly Derek started talking.

"Really, Mer. I'm so, so sorry. Even if I know that isn't nearly enough. I swear, I didn't know the intercom was on. Addie was incredibly rude, I can't believe she would do that," he rambled so fast she had a hard time following his words. "And now we're in this weird limbo thing! I don't want that, Meredith. I want us to be friends again." His voice was desperate and she felt her heart melting a bit. She always did have a problem with guys saying they wanted her. But at the word "friend" she froze slightly, remembering what they were doing and where they were.

"Derek..." she started, but he interrupted her.

"I know I ask for much. I know that," he said, searching her face for a reaction. She remained completely impassive. "Meredith. I'm sorry. But she _is _my wife. I'm not as strong as you! I believe in marriage. I believe in the vows..." Meredith snorted at the word and Derek winced.

"Yeah..." he sighed and shook his head. "It's just... Somehow I don't blame her." Meredith gasped and frowned at him. He silenced her with a look.

"What she did was awful, and there is no excuse for her." He turned his stare away from her and looked away somewhere in the distance. "But I was an awful husband, Meredith. And I am partially responsible for what happened."

"Well, what was I then?" she asked, a bit angry now. "The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?"

Derek looked at her sadly. "Of course not, Mer. I hope you know how I feel about you. Your support and friendship through this time has been invaluable. You've been my fresh air while I was drowning. I'll be eternally grateful." Meredith shrank back from him. Then he said what she'd thought she wanted to hear for such a long time. "I love you, Meredith." His voice was broken and his face turned almost apologetic.

"But, Meredith. This is the last time I'll say it."

She was wrong. Hearing made it worse. The words cut deeply into Meredith. It hurt so bad to hear them that she suddenly felt the need to run away again. Silence encapsulated them again. She wanted to cry _so _bad. But instead, Meredith closed her eyes and prepared. She took a deep breath and uttered the words she had meant to say all day.

"Derek. I think you should leave."

The words were quiet but sounded like thunder in the silence. Derek's face crumbled slightly but was unsurprised. He pointed his thumb dejectedly at a suitcase she hadn't seen by the door, being too focused on the man.

Meredith nodded in understanding. She was thankful that she wouldn't have to throw him out, but at the same time sad about the fact that he didn't want to stay.

"Please, Mer," he pleaded once again.

"Derek. You really should go," she said with a determined voice. It only wavered the tiniest bit, which made her proud of herself. She stood up and walked towards the front door when she was suddenly turned around by Derek's hand on her shoulder.

"Mer," he said seriously. She faintly registered the cab coming closer towards them, no doubt to pick him up and drive him off somewhere. Maybe he would stay with Addie at the hotel. Meredith didn't know... She blinked when she realized he was speaking.

"Please say you'll be my friend again," he said. She closed her eyes for the briefest of seconds. Why did he have to ask her these things? She could hardly stand up at this point, let alone think straight. She knew saying yes would be the weaker choice. Derek Shepherd didn't deserve her.

But still, she really missed him. Derek understood her like no one else. Talking with Christina was great, but she would never ask her to open up like he did. Without someone to tare down her walls, she knew from experience that she would become a cold-hearted woman. If she was thinking soberly, she knew that she_ needed _him.  
Still, Meredith was scared. Being with him would undoubtedly be painful as shit and she needed some reassurance from him.

She shook off her musings when she realized he was still looking at her, waiting for a response. Meredith sighed.

"Okay," she said.

Derek's eyes lit up but Meredith silenced him with a look.

"We'll be friends again, Derek. But on one condition."

"Anything," he breathed, reminding her of Mark somehow. She swallowed hard and tried to speak evenly.

"We'll be _friends, _Derek. Not not-friends." To this he looked at her uncomprehendingly. She continued. "When I say something to you, you have to react as my_ friend_, Derek."

He nodded slowly and started to smile. Then he reached out to touch her but she shrugged away. Meredith could see that her reaction stung, but kept her cool.

"You can't have us both," she whispered, feeling the tears finally reaching her eyes.

The silence after the statement was so tense they could practically hear the air crackling around them. Derek sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Then he looked down and blinked harshly. Meredith thought she saw some tears in his eyes, but when he looked up again they were dry.

"Of course," he responded neutrally. Then he grabbed his suitcase and left the house and Meredith behind him.


	14. Eleanor Rigby

**Chapter 13 – Eleanor Rigby**

**A/N: Sorry for the late update! I've been super busy with school and all that. To make it up to you, this is a freakishly eventful chapter for your enjoyment. Let me know what you think! ;)**

_Eleanor Rigby _

_picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been_

_Lives in a dream_

_Waits at the window, _

_wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door_

_Who is it for?_

_(Eleanor Rigby – The Beatles)_

* * *

The next morning Meredith was late. She had spent all night trying to find sleep, and when she finally found it, the clock rang.

Naturally, the rest of the morning was a disaster. The lack of Derek in the house meant nobody had gone grocery shopping which meant no food. She cursed.

Hungry and frustrated, she found that there was no warm water in the house. Meredith cursed again.

She took a lightening fast cold shower after she remembered Derek had told her something about someone that was coming to fix some pipes this week. Then she noticed she had no clean clothes, seeing as it was Derek's turn to do laundry yesterday, which he obviously hadn't done. With another curse and a sigh she dug up an almost clean shirt from the laundry basket and made her way out.

It was no surprise that Meredith's mood was way down low when she finally exited her house, remembering her car was almost out of curses were flying out of her mouth like wildfire by now.

Her fingers shook as she took out her phone and angrily pushed the buttons to call a cab. She was just about to press dial when her cellphone died in her hands. At this point, Meredith was on the verge of tears. This was her life right now. She had a full mind to just lay down on the ground and stay there. But, since she liked to think she had more dignity than that, Meredith settled on jumping up and down angrily and screaming more curses into her hands.

Then a loud car horn across the street aborted her dark musings. She jumped in fright and, startled, looked up to find none other than Derek Shepherd waiting for her in, what seemed like, a brand new car. Meredith sighed and closed her eyes.

_What in Christ's name is happening today? _she thought and took a calming breath.

Straightening her shirt she slowly and warily made her way across the street. When she got closer Derek stepped out of his vehicle and offered her one of his dreamiest smiles. Meredith tried not to melt. It was hard.

"I thought you might want a ride for work," he chirped and waved his hand over the car in pride. "Whaddaya think?" Meredith eyed him suspiciously. He did not own a car when they spoke yesterday, and now here he was.

"It's nice. When did you buy it?" she asked him and Derek shrugged.

"A couple of minutes ago. Can't ride cabs everywhere I want, now, can I?" he said and walked around the car to open the door on the passenger side.

"Right…" she murmured and awkwardly slid into the car. As she waited for him to enter on his side she eyed the expensive leather and all of the different and complicated buttons. The car was very pretty and obviously not cheap. If she and Derek had been on better terms she would laugh and call this his mid-life crisis. As it was, she could only smile uneasily as he closed his door and looked at her. Way too close for her comfort.

There was a brief silence while Derek drove out to the motorway.

"You know what? I don't think you've ever let me drive you before. You were always adamant about taking the wheel," ha said, overly happy. Meredith fiddled with her fingernails and shrugged.

"I guess," she murmured and looked out the window. This car ride was fast becoming the most uncomfortable she thought she had ever ridden. The silence became extremely awkward, as neither knew what to say.

* * *

Weeks followed where Meredith tried to the best of her ability to avoid Addison, Mark and (though she wouldn't admit it) Derek. She was happy to say she succeeded somewhat, but it was not due to the lack of trying on Derek's part. The man seemed to be constantly trying to get her attention and start a conversation, but she kept distant and tried not to make any body- or eye contact when they did have to interact.

After enough time had passed, though, something inside Meredith settled. She got used to his attempts at friendship and stopped worrying about him stepping over the line. It all seemed to calm down between them. Still, it wasn't even a bleak shadow of what they shared before, and that made her sad.

* * *

"So, Meredith, do you have anything planned for later?" Derek's voice broke through her paperwork-concentrated mind. Meredith was sitting in her office and had been for the last couple of hours. She would not say this interruption was unwelcome. Truth be told, she was bored out of her mind. She slowly looked up at the man who was leaning casually in her doorway, just like he had done so many times in the past. He was smiling dreamily and she could not hold her own grin off her face.

"I'm having a drink with Christina at Joe's," she finally answered and looked down at her hands. Derek laughed at this, and the sound brought shivers down Meredith's spine.

"So when you say 'a drink' you basically mean you'll get crazy drunk and dance on the tables?" he asked and Meredith gave him a death glare. Then she winked and smirked at him.

"Shut up."

* * *

This form of peace did not, however, make it easy to watch Derek and Addie together. What in the beginning had been a strained relationship between the two had now become somewhat tempered. They ate lunch together, had started sharing their living arrangements again and actually exchanged in conversations. If she listened to the nurses, though, the two had had quite a few rows in the corridor. Apparently Addie had some problems with Derek's attempts to form a friendship with Meredith, and he was not bulging. All in all, it was a huge mess. A mess that Meredith really wished she wasn't such a huge part of.

When suddenly Addison pulled her into an on-call room one day, she cursed the day she had ever married Mark Sloan. Or even made contact with anyone ever for that matter.

"Addison…" Meredith tried and broke free of her ex-best friend's grasp on her arm.

"No, shush!" Addie silenced her and gave her a warning glare. "I have some stuff to say, and I want you to listen to me." Meredith almost rolled her eyes. This was gonna be good. Addison took a deep breath in preparation and coughed before beginning her speech.

"So, it has come to my attention that you and my husband have had this… this _thing_ or whatever."

"I slept with him." Meredith clarified decidedly. "On several occasions." Addie gritted her teeth.

"Right." She stated flatly but with burning eyes. "And…"

"But then… you slept with mine too, Addie," Meredith said with an unaffected voice and a forced smile.

A beat. "Yes," Addie said, teeth still gritted.

"So… that should make us even, right?" Meredith tried and inched her body away from the person she nowadays referred to in her head as 'Satan'. Addie stared at her with an incredulous expression.

"Even?" she said incredulously. Meredith nodded slowly.

"Yes. Let's just put it all behind us and pretend it never happened," Meredith said patiently, discreetly trying to flee from this situation. Addison looked absolutely stunned. This was not at all what she had expected to hear.

"Well… I- I don't…" she stammered and Meredith tried not to laugh at her dumbfounded face.

"You go your way, and I go mine. Simple as that!" Meredith tried to finish and turned towards the door. She sighed to herself at how easy this dreaded meeting had been, when she suddenly got turned around by Addie's firm hand once again wrapped around her arm.

_Of course..._

"Wait, Meredith. You won't get away that easily," Addie fumed. Something seemed to have clicked in her brain and she was back on the warpath. Meredith was disappointed but braced herself. Addison started to talk again, and this time she was determined to say what she wanted.

"Since Derek and I got together again, everyone has been walking on eggshells. He won't talk to me, will hardly look at me… It sucks!" Addison looked frustrated and Meredith couldn't but feel a hint of satisfaction at the fact. This meant Derek hadn't taken Addie back into his open arms and forgiven the little mishap with the adultery. She smothered her smirk.

"Well, Addie. I don't know why you think I can do anything about your marital problems. They are absolutely none of my business." Meredith tried to move away, but Addie was still holding her fast.

"No!" Addie shrieked. "This is all your fault! All he's concentrating on is getting on good terms with you. We haven't even had sex!" she continued and Meredith's eyebrows rose. Warmth spread in her chest, but she quickly shook it off. This meant nothing. Derek just hadn't forgiven his wife for sleeping around. This not having sex-thing had nothing to do with her in any way.

Addie herself looked a bit surprised at what she just said, but seemed determined to get her point forward.

"I want you to stop encouraging him," she said decidedly and finally released Meredith's arm. The woman didn't even register being released. She was so shocked at what had just come out of her ex-friend's mouth that she couldn't move. The nerve! After what Addison had done towards her she had no right to ask anything of her. Satan was crazy. There was no other explanation for it.

"He's my friend, Addie," Meredith stated lamely, unable to force any more feeling into her voice. The laugh Addie produced now was ridiculously loud and false. It screamed of bitterness and defeat. Meredith cringed and backed a step.

"Friends?!" Addie yelled. "You're not _friends!_" Her voice was venomous and, to be honest, a bit frightening. "You said you _loved _him!" she continued, and Meredith blinked her eyes hard at the memory of the humiliation she'd felt in that moment. She _did_ tell him that. And she had meant it. She _still did_. And now nothing was okay anymore. **Her love** was the reason behind this crap. Once again she was reminded of why all this was a mess she'd better get out of, but she didn't know how. Didn't know if she even wanted to.

"_He_ said he loved _you_!" Addie continued to yell, unaware of her ex-friend's demeanor. Meredith opened her pained eyes again and looked into Addie's. She was surprised when she saw they were full of tears.

"My husband is a douchebag, Meredith. He left you and returned to me, and now nobody is happy. You have to stop, Meredith," she sniffled. "You have to leave us alone, or he won't even try."

Meredith didn't know what to say. Somehow this shouting match had taken an unexpected turn and a sudden rush of pity for the woman who had destroyed her life completely two times this year, rose to the surface. What could she do? What did she say? Before Meredith had a chance to put a thought to words the door flew open and an angry-looking Derek Shepherd strode inside.

"Derek, please leave," Meredith sighed, realizing he must have eavesdropped outside the door for some time, or he wouldn't look so furious. Addie dried her face with her hands, trying to regain some sense of dignity.

"No, Meredith. Addie has no right to speak to you like that," he said angrily, his hands turned into fists as he glared at his wife. She looked defeated at him and Meredith wished so much she was somewhere else right at this moment.

"It's not your place, Derek," Meredith tried again and put a hand on his shoulder. He opened his mouth to answer when suddenly Addison's sharp voice cut him off.

"So… how come you forgave _him_ for leaving you even though he claimed he loved you, but you can't forgive me for having slept with a man you don't even have any feelings for?" She demanded, looking straight into Meredith's eyes. A long silence crept on as the words sunk in for all three people in the room. Gulping, Meredith prepared for what she was going to say next. She knew it was going to hurt, but also that it needed to be said.

"I haven't forgiven him…" She said quietly, and the silence turned to ice for a second. "… And with you I have neither obligation nor will to even try," she finished. Looking at Derek's face Meredith saw the impact her words had made clear as day.

His eyes were wide and hurt but still, she tried to remain impassive. Feeling her gaze, he looked away suddenly and raised a hand to run through his hair. Addison didn't say a word, instead focusing her stare somewhere close to her husband's feet. Meredith felt sick. She wanted, nay _needed_, to get out of here. Panic rose and her skin prickled as she looked between these two broken people and she swallowed hard.

Suddenly the door to the on call-room opened, and a fresh-faced and scared-looking intern peeked in. His voice wavered when he spoke.

"Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd, Mrs. Dorian is in pre-labor."

The interruption was so welcome everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief. As Addison rushed out without a word Meredith looked awkwardly at Derek, who still wouldn't look at her.

"Um… I should get back to work," she stammered and ran, not even waiting for a response. The memory of Derek's crushed face was clear like a photograph in her mind.

Meredith cursed.

She needed a drink. Where was Christina?

* * *

The next morning Meredith woke up with a thundering headache. Her room was in complete disorder around her and she had no recollection of getting home from Joe's.

_My god._ She groaned as she stretched. _What happened last night?_

She looked around, trying to find some clue as to how and why she became so completely wasted and finally noticed a hairy arm slung carelessly across her abdomen. Suddenly she realized she was completely naked.

_Crap._

Meredith sighed. Obviously, she hadn't been able to keep her panties on.

It was typical, really. Her college-tendencies to fall into bed with strangers after emotional turmoils had apparently woken up from its blissful slumber. She tried once again to remember anything from the night before, but drew another blank. Sighing again, Meredith prepared herself for her usual "I'm going to go take a shower, and when I get back you won't be here, so…"-speech and turned her head towards the large male in her bed.

When she caught sight of the short dark blonde hair she froze in her movements. Then she gasped loudly.

"Alex?!"


End file.
